I’ve spent more time with religious people in the last year than perhaps I have in my whole life. It’s got me thinking about religion with more curiosity than I ever have. So I’m having what are probably middle-school level thoughts.

I’ve forever identified as agnostic, likely because that’s how most of my family rolled when growing up. Aside from what anyone truly believes, most people end up doing the religion their family does. I’m no exception.

I want to be a good person. I like good people. I’m interested in what drives people to be good and vice versa.

Here’s an oversimplification of all humans that rolls through my brain:

	Religious	Non-Religious
Good Person	💁‍♂️	💁‍♂️
Not Good Person	💁‍♂️	💁‍♂️

There are people in all quadrants.

There are cases that make obvious sense:

	Religious	Non-Religious
Good Person	Person that is energized and guided by their religion. It provides a framework for doing good for them.	Person that does good for their own reasons.
Not Good Person	Person that does bad and leans on religion to feel OK about it. Everyone is born a sinner, everyone is forgiven if you ask to be, etc.	Person that does bad for their own reasons.

Who’s evaluating these people as being good or bad, and their individual actions, as good or bad? Me, I do. I’m the judge.

I wonder — are there cases that are nearly the opposite?

	Religious	Non-Religious
Good Person	Person that does good because they are just a good person and religion has nothing to with it.	Person that thinks they are doing good for their own reasons, but that’s actually an expression of religion.
Not Good Person	Person that does bad but doesn’t self-reflect what they do as bad as their religion shields that.	Person that does bad and worries it is their lack of religion that is the cause, which is actually an expression of religion.

I’m interested in what helps any individual person be good and provides some kind of framework for evaluating their actions. Maybe I can learn from them. Religious or otherwise, equally. I’d like to think I can. I’m not above reading some scripture to help understand the world and myself if it can help me be better.

But I struggle. I’ve talked to three men in the past year who have had an encounter with a powerful religious figure. They came to them, as it were, in a time of need, and spoke to them clearly and directly and told them what to do. Did they, though? My agnostic brain is full of doubt. Like… you talked to a ghost? OK. Or did their brain just invent that (brains are wild!) because they needed it and the culture they grew up in supports and rewards stories like this? But I can’t help but worry that my own lack of faith prevents me from these powerful guiding moments. After all, I look up to all three of these men in certain ways and find them to be good men. Maybe I can change my brain to get in on this.

I’m just as interested, or more, in the fuel and motivations behind not-good people. I don’t need help understanding doing bad, I don’t think. If I take candy from a baby, then I have candy! Plus, that baby was different to me, and I don’t understand and thus fear it.

I can think of two recent personal instances with very religious people hiding behind a religious shield. They did bad. Not horrifically bad, but you know, they had a choice and made the bad one. I can’t perfectly know their mind, but based on their words and actions, it feels like religion pre-excused the choice. Of course I’m doing something bad, I’m born bad, and I actively feed bad about being bad. Religion isn’t a battery of good for them; it’s trapping them into a counterproductive way of thinking. Perhaps being directly and truly accountable for your own actions can be a way out of that trap?

I think I’ll just continue to be interested in people and try to pick the best path I can. I’m not sure I’m ready to let religion be a guide to me. But I’m very comfortable with the thought that there is an incredible amount of unknown in ourselves and the universe, and that our actions matter.

The contradictions in religion and action will continue to sit uncomfortably for me. I’ve been thinking about this for a year, but high five to Derek Sivers recent post Religion is action, not belief for the motivation to get my own words out.

One man believed God was on his side. He often lost his temper, hurt people, and did more harm than good. But he believed that what matters is what’s in his heart, since God will forgive his actions and see his good intentions.

Another man was full of doubt but followed the rules of his religion. He stopped to pray five times a day, and donated to charity. He was calm and kind to everyone, no matter how he felt. He was never sure about his beliefs, but kept that to himself, since what mattered were his actions.

What is the point of beliefs if they don’t shape your actions?