Most assume bad habits are what destroy a relationship. In reality, a lack of good habits often proves to be more harmful. Conflict, believe it or not, is one of them.
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Many people are naturally inclined to assume that the presence of something negative will cause the downfall of a relationship. If you asked five people what that might be, they’d likely all give you different answers — cheating, resentment, dishonesty. But more often than not, the real issue is the absence of certain good habits, rather than the presence of certain bad ones.
For instance, things tend to go south when communication breaks down, or when a lack of effort causes partners to slowly drift apart; both of these outcomes are defined by something missing. However, one of the biggest culprits in the downfall of a romantic relationship is far less noticeable, largely because many couples mistakenly interpret it as a good sign: a lack of conflict.
Popular portrayals of conflict have done us one of the greatest disservices in all of relational self-help. When genuine conflict is depicted in movies, novels or TV shows — which is rare enough to begin with — it’s usually dramatized through heated screaming matches or tearful, one-sided monologues.
In real relationships, though, this is hardly ever the case outside of extreme circumstances. Most of the time, conflict looks like a simple disagreement between two people who don’t see eye-to-eye. Yet because constant, unwavering harmony is so often framed as the gold standard, many couples come to fear disagreement itself. Compared to the dramatic fallout we’re led to expect, it can feel easier to avoid disagreeing altogether.
As a result, partners find ways to sidestep conflict at almost any cost. Most commonly, this looks like:
The problem is that conflict can only be delayed; there’s no realistic or feasible way to avoid it entirely. And, ironically, as 2017 research published in Current Opinion in Psychology suggests, avoiding conflict is usually more harmful than engaging in it regularly.
The authors explain that direct opposition during conflict can be beneficial, especially when serious issues need to be addressed. The key, however, is what happens in the aftermath of the conflict: partners must make intentional changes. Without this, conflict goes nowhere; with it, conflict becomes a conduit for improvement.
More specifically, the researchers found that expressions of disagreement, constructive criticism and even anger during conflict discussions predicted relative improvements in relationship satisfaction over time. What matters most is that couples adjust their communication to meet the moment. This is what successfully transforms conflict into, in the authors’ words, a “catalyst for building healthier and happier relationships.”
If the research highlighting the benefits of navigating conflict isn’t convincing enough, then the findings on the dangers of avoiding it should be.
In a 2012 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers wanted to find out what exactly happens when people suppress their emotions while making sacrifices for a romantic partner. The idea seems intuitive: if you conceal how you really feel, you should be able to preserve closeness and keep the peace. But nine times out of ten, this backfires.
Specifically, the researchers found that emotional suppression during daily sacrifices came at a cost for both partners. It was associated with lower emotional well-being, poorer relationship quality and, most ironically, even more conflict over time. Worse, it also increased partners’ thoughts about breaking up.
Once again, this is because avoidance can only delay conflict; it cannot eliminate it. And when conflict inevitably surfaces — which it will, without a doubt — it often does so in a more explosive form. This escalation tends to bring out the most damaging communication patterns, which harm intimacy in turn.
The key reason for this lies in authenticity. As the authors of the study argue, suppressing emotions leads people to (rightly) feel inauthentic in their relationships, as though they’re holding something back or failing to show up fully. That sense of disconnection is ultimately what undermines the emotional closeness that relationships depend on.
Any psychologist you ask would tell you the exact same thing: direct confrontation is a significantly more effective conflict-resolution strategy than avoidance. Avoidance will stall any hope of resolution while letting the issues fester simultaneously. Open engagement, as daunting as it may seem, is couples’ only means for creating the conditions needed for genuine understanding and lasting change.
Do you and your partner address your frustrations head-on? Or do you have a habit of sweeping things under the rug? Take this science-inspired test to find out how your relationship compares to others: Conflict Avoidance Test
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