This is going to take some explanation.  

It has taken me a while to come to terms with my own hypocrisy and finally being prepared to confess to having taken a holiday on a cruise ship…

We boarded in Brisbane Australia for fourteen days tour of nearby New Zealand,  A nineteen-deck eyesore resembling a block of 1970s council flats, no style or charm, just a floating unattractive leviathan.

I have always said that I would never set foot on a cruise ship but now here I was checking in and climbing the gang plank.  I was sorry to be leaving Brisbane, I had liked it there…

These loathsome giants spoil everywhere they visit; Santorini has become a crowded nightmare, Dubrovnik is overwhelmed, Venice is sinking under the weight of tens of thousands of people.  I hate these cruise ships not least because I immediately knew that it would unleash hoards of cruisers swarming from the ship for a quick culture break in between continuous gluttony at the all day, all you can eat on board troughs.

The ship accommodates 3,100 passengers and 1,500 crew so that is an awful lot of people in a confined space on a ship barely three hundred metres long and thirty-five metres wide and that means that there is a lot of overcrowding and pushing and shoving especially in the bars and the ship canteen.  To put that into perspective we live in a small village in Lincolnshire over five hundred acres and just about three thousand residents.

I prefer the wide open spaces of the beaches over the pushing and shoving in a confined space…

So to continue, the cabin was acceptable, a bit old and battered and tired but a comfortable bed, an attentive steward and a balcony to retreat to to get away from the chaos of the entertainment decks.  They called it a suite which made it sound grand but in reality it was rather like a standard room in any mid-range motel anywhere in the World.  Nothing special.

Occasionally it was possible find space and solitude but this was usually when there was a gale and the old folk didn’t risk their zimmer frames in the rough seas and high winds…

… because this ship (like most others I guess) was like a floating care home with more walking assistance aids than you could shake a stick at  which made negotiating the decks and the canteens a very risky business.

Which brings me on to the food.  I was expecting something really special, before going dedicated cruisers would tell me how marvellous the food would be.  Not on the Crown Princess it wasn’t.

The canteen was crowded, the troughs were overflowing with boring repetitive food and breakfasts were a disaster because this was an American ship and Americans do not know how to cook bacon.  Away from the canteens there were some restaurants where we were guaranteed a table but the food (except for the steaks) was really no better, a failed attempt at fine dining prepared by short-order cooks, not chefs.

And the diners!  Advice on board said wear nice clothes, ladies in dresses, men in collared shirts and slacks which a lot of passengers thought this was advisory rather than compulsory and turned up to the restaurants in tee-shirts, shorts and sandals so that they could show off their tattoos.

I have read stories of the Captain’s Table but the only sight of the Captain was when he occasionally wandered around the canteen  stopped now and again to chat with a table of overwhelmed passengers.

How do you try and explain this…

After a few days I did begin to adjust to life at sea and established something of a routine but I could never quite come to terms with all day second rate entertainment or the market stalls on the main passenger deck selling all sorts of stuff I could not possibly want and then the daily art auctions where passengers crowded into an internal lounge ro make bids for dodgy paintings.  I mean, who goes on holiday (even on a cruise) to buy a painting?

For the cruise ship company it is all about making money…

I enjoyed New Zealand and the cities and towns that we visited but many times the ship docked miles from the advertised destination and then charged us for transport to where they should have been taking us anyway.

I have said to anyone that will listen that I feel as though I have been to New Zealand but I haven’t seen New Zealand and if I want to see New Zealand then I will have to go back and do it my way.

I was glad when it was all over, in the feedback form I scored the cruise 6/10 which I thought was fair.  I said to Kim never again, she said never say never, I said NEVER AGAIN!