According to new research by the lingerie brand Bluebella, 1 in 5 say that having children impacts their sexual pleasure.

Becoming a mother is one of the most difficult yet rewarding jobs. Many mothers struggle with identity shifts and intimacy blocks. With hormones dropping and responsibilities changing, the last thing most mothers crave is sex. In fact, returning to intimacy postpartum is a challenge for many women, and for a variety of reasons.

For example, one of the survey participants said, “I went through a rut: boring underwear, wearing a nursing bra far longer than needed, and just was not celebrating myself.”

How Motherhood Changes Sex—and How to Get Your Pleasure Back

“Postpartum bodies are doing A LOT. The result: low libido, vaginal dryness, and sometimes, sex that hurts,” adds Ilana Grines, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/Certified Sex Therapist at Daily Therapy Dose. “For many, new parenthood rewires how you see yourself. Suddenly, you’re someone’s mother, and that identity can feel like it has nothing to do with being a sexual person.”

“Your body, which used to be yours, is now a feeding-holding-soothing machine,” Grines continues. “A lot of women report feeling touched out at the end of the day, which does not lead to wanting to be touched by your partner!”

Wondering how to slowly return to intimacy without burning yourself out? Here are five ways to experience sexual pleasure postpartum.

1. Skip Straight-to-Sex Pleasure

To truly feel present and sexually aroused, many women require emotional safety first and foremost. Physical intimacy does not always translate to “sex.”

“Non-sexual touch like holding hands, lying close, a long hug rebuilds safety and warmth,” says Grines. “Arousal postpartum rarely shows up on demand, and that is totally normal.”

2. Address Any Pain You Might Have

Women go through the unimaginable when giving birth. Postpartum pain and body changes play a massive role in the lack of intimacy women might experience. 

“See a pelvic floor PT if you are experiencing postpartum pain,” Grines recommends. “It should be standard postpartum care. So should lube.”

3. Expand the Definition of Sex

Many women feel pressured to have penetrative sex every time they get intimate with their partner. However, there are many different ways for women to get off.

“Penetration is one option, not the finish line,” Grimes points out. “Removing the pass/fail framing to sex changes everything about how we navigate sex postpartum.”

4. Discuss the Identity Piece

As mentioned earlier, becoming a mom can sometimes feel like an identity crisis. However, you can be both a mother and a lover, without sacrificing one for the other.

“A lot of postpartum people need explicit permission to still be a sexual being,” Grines explains. “That conversation in couples therapy or individual therapy can unlock something that feels unnamed, stuck, or different.”

Of course, for women to experience arousal and sexual empowerment, it helps to feel supported and emotionally connected with their partner.  

“When the mental load isn’t shared, sex starts to feel like one more ask,” says Grines. “Emotional disconnect between partners can kill desire faster than sleep deprivation does.”

5. Return to Yourself

According to the Bluebella survey, women with children are 5% more likely to purchase lingerie regularly than childless women. This suggests that mothers are attempting to feel empowered and sexual again, perhaps returning to themselves and their pre-motherhood sexuality.

Additionally, nearly half of women say the changes in their bodies have impacted how they experience pleasure. Self-confidence often goes hand-in-hand with arousal and sexual pleasure.