If you’ve ever been through a traumatic breakup, you know just how long it can take to heal from the mistreatment, betrayal, and loss. Just because you no longer miss your ex or want them back doesn’t mean you’re over what they did to you. 

“After a breakup, many people might ‘move on’ from their ex but not from what the relationship taught them about trust, closeness, and self-worth,” says Doriel Jacov, JD, LCSW, an individual and couples psychotherapist and former corporate attorney specializing in trauma, attachment, and relationship dynamics. “There are emotional consequences to being ghosted, manipulated, criticized, or emotionally abandoned. Relationships shape our unconscious expectations of intimacy.”

Often, we confuse the act of getting over someone with the ability to heal from all the trauma they caused us. However, the latter can take years.

Think about it: childhood trauma still impacts many adults throughout their lives. The same can be said of trauma within romantic relationships. 

“When someone experiences betrayal, humiliation, or abandonment in a relationship, they often begin anticipating those experiences in future relationships too,” Jacov states. “Their nervous system starts organizing around self-protection rather than closeness.”

Wondering how you can finally take your power back after a toxic relationship? Here are three therapist-backed steps for moving on from what your ex did to you.

1. Identify Harmful Self-Beliefs

After breaking free from an unhealthy relationship, you might find yourself carrying negative beliefs about yourself. Perhaps these ideas even existed prior to the relationship and were only perpetuated by your partner. 

“Healing often starts with uncovering the deeply held beliefs that the relationship reinforced,” says Jacov. “These often look like: people will always leave me, I’m a burden, I’m unlovable, or closeness is dangerous.”

If you continue to feed yourself the same narratives, you might end up attracting or accepting partners who fuel them, too.

“When these beliefs are operating unconsciously, they covertly shape how we relate to others,” Jacov explains. “Once they become conscious, we can start to develop more agency and choice in relationships.”

2. Connect Relationship Experiences to Childhood Wounds

As many personal issues do, relationship patterns often stem from childhood wounds. Addressing them with a professional can help get to the core of your poor behavior, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or habit of self-neglect.

“The next step of healing often involves understanding how the relationship dynamics with your ex might relate to earlier attachment experiences,” says Jacov. “Often we are pulled toward people who resemble early attachment figures. It becomes important to recognize when old relational wounds are being replayed in the present, allowing us to separate the past from the present.”

3. Establish New and Healthy Relationships

As afraid as you might be to open yourself up to new relationships, whether romantic or platonic, doing so will help reshape how you approach attachment and intimacy.

“It’s important to experience new relational dynamics that involve emotional safety, reliability, and vulnerability,” says Jacov. “This can be a therapy relationship, friendships, and eventually new romantic partners. The hope is that we can internalize the idea that closeness doesn’t lead to rejection or humiliation.”