A new batch of UFO files has been released by the U.S. federal government. As usual, they don’t feel as impactful as they should. Back when the first batch was being released a little over a month ago, I predicted they would all be underwhelming. So far, I’ve been proven right. This isn’t quite the disclosure day that Steven Spielberg’s recently released Disclosure Day promised. It’s mostly more files of pilots, soldiers, and federal agents shrugging after seeing a weird thing in the sky.

That said, this latest release does contain a very fun detail: the Pentagon apparently spent years investigating what they can only describe as a giant flying potato.

According to documents released by the Trump administration and reviewed by multiple news outlets, including the New York Times, five Army personnel at Fort Carson, Colorado, reported seeing a massive object hovering above Cheyenne Mountain in February 2022. Witnesses described it as an angular, non-symmetrical potato with a shimmering white appearance. Depending on which interview you read, it was either potato-shaped or bean-shaped, but delicious either way. Both of those things are still quite earthbound, so to make up for it, its description includes a much more alien-sounding set of fish-scale-like panels that rippled across its surface.

The Mysterious Potato Vanished in a Blink, Clearly a UFO

The object reportedly hovered motionless for about two minutes before vanishing. We just have to take these army men at their word, because no photos were taken and no video was recorded. But we do have a forensic sketch that looks exactly like a floating potato.

Government investigators have their own theories, like maybe it’s sunlight reflecting off of snow-covered mountain that illuminated clouds in a way that created an optical illusion?

Sure.

You know what seems just as valid? My theory, which suggests it was a world record-breaking foil-wrapped baked potato caught in an updraft. It vanished because someone ate it. There. Mystery solved.

The rest of the files were filled with orange orbs and crimson spheres and rotating discs filled with colored lights. All, of course, easily explainable: one was a basketball, the other was an Atomic Fireball cinnamon candy, and the last one was a frisbee covered in Christmas lights. Occam’s razor, folks. The simplest explanation is likely the best, and mine are clearly the best.