The pregame ritual before a first date tends to look the same for most people: an outfit change or four, a cocktail to calm the nerves, or maybe a pep talk to yourself in a bathroom mirror. There might be a better way to spend that time—by getting yourself off before you walk out the door.
Dr. Mindy DeSeta, PhD, certified sexologist and sexuality educator at Hily Dating App, has been making this case for a while now. Nearly 9 in 10 people get nervous before a first date, and 39% reach for a drink to deal with it. Her argument is that there’s a more effective option, grounded in actual physiology, and she’s got three solid reasons to back it up.
During arousal, the brain gets a hit of dopamine and endorphins. After orgasm, oxytocin and prolactin come through, cortisol goes down, and the whole storm of anxiety responsible for nervous rambling, over-explaining your job, and laughing two seconds too late at jokes has much less fuel. You arrive at the date as a relatively normal human being, which, on a first date, is more of a competitive advantage than it sounds.
A significant portion of first-date tension is straight-up sexual. Dr. DeSeta notes that both men and women spend a lot of mental energy on sexual distraction, and a charged first date with someone new cranks that up considerably. Handling it beforehand clears the static. When that particular preoccupation is off the table, it’s a lot easier to actually listen, ask decent questions, and engage with the person across from you rather than just mentally undressing them between sentences.
First dates, when the chemistry is there, can produce a sort of tunnel vision where compatibility gets deprioritized in favor of whatever is happening below the waist. Desire is powerful, but it’s not always honest with you. Going in already satisfied takes some of that urgency off the table. It’s easier to notice red flags, pace things intentionally, and make decisions based on what you actually want rather than what three glasses of wine and a good-looking stranger are telling you to do.
May is International Masturbation Month, so it’s as good a reason as any to rethink the pregame.
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