Activation functions govern the expressivity and stability of neural networks, yet existing comparisons remain largely heuristic. We propose a rigorous framework for their classification via a nine-dimensional integral signature S_sigma(phi), combining Gaussian propagation statistics (m1, g1, g2, m2, eta), asymptotic slopes (alpha_plus, alpha_minus), and regularity measures (TV(phi'), C(phi)). This taxonomy establishes well-posedness, affine reparameterization laws with bias, and closure under bounded slope variation. Dynamical analysis yields Lyapunov theorems with explicit descent constants and identifies variance stability regions through (m2', g2). From a kernel perspective, we derive dimension-free Hessian bounds and connect smoothness to bounded variation of phi'. Applying the framework, we classify eight standard activations (ReLU, leaky-ReLU, tanh, sigmoid, Swish, GELU, Mish, TeLU), proving sharp distinctions between saturating, linear-growth, and smooth families. Numerical Gauss-Hermite and Monte Carlo validation confirms theoretical predictions. Our framework provides principled design guidance, moving activation choice from trial-and-error to provable stability and kernel conditioning.