I've been in startups for nearly two decades now, and one question consistently stumps me: "What's your biggest learning?" The challenge with this question, like most profound ones, is that the person asking often isn't equipped to process the answer. So I typically fumble, deflect, and talk my way around it.

But during a recent coffee chat with a founder friend, I realized I need to put this down. So here goes...

The hardest thing about startups, for founders, is managing their own psychology. I'm not the first to say this - Ben Horowitz's "The Hard Thing About Hard Things" articulates this truth beautifully. But my learning centers around how to actually manage this hardness through what I call the Theory of Gratification Reserves.

If a founder truly understands this concept, they'll be better equipped to manage their psychology throughout their journey. The ability to handle delayed gratification isn't just important - it's a foundational capability for founders. But here's the crucial part: even the best founders have a limited capacity for delayed gratification. It's like a muscle that can get fatigued, and once depleted, it takes time to recover. Let me explain why.

In a traditional job, your self-esteem constantly gets buffered by conscious and subconscious cues that naturally exist in any workplace. You go to the office, have discussions with peers, and your authority and expertise are acknowledged. You present, plan, achieve, get promoted, and receive a monthly paycheck. At the end of the day, you go home exhausted but fulfilled. Every interaction feeds these gratification reserves, which strengthen your self-esteem and fuel your productivity.

As a founder, especially in the early years, you experience the exact opposite. Not only do you lack this steady stream of positive reinforcement buffering your gratification reserves, but you also face a constant barrage of rejections challenging your ideas. Each rejection chips away at your gratification reserves. You might not feel it initially, but over time, it can erode the agency of even the most resilient founders.

While most founders pride themselves on handling rejection - considering it a rite of passage - a more nuanced understanding is helpful. These rejections take their toll, and it's better to be mindful of their impact rather than just powering through them. The capacity to delay gratification isn't infinite - it's a resource that gets depleted with each rejection, each setback, each delayed milestone.

The key insight is that you can make strategic choices, both professional and personal, to guard your gratification reserves and maintain control longer:

1. Co-founders: Having co-founders creates a peer group that helps bolster your gratification reserves and maintain agency. They provide validation, shared understanding, and emotional support when external reinforcement is scarce.

2. Hobbies: Maintaining an important hobby outside work, like competitive sports, creates opportunities to supplement your reserves beyond your startup. These activities provide tangible achievements and progress markers when your business might not.

3. Relationships: Personal relationships require careful attention - when they go bad, they can devastate these reserves. Without a full-time job's structure and support, relationship challenges can strip founders of their agency and decision-making capability.

Think of it this way: If cash flow is oxygen for startups, Gratification Reserves are oxygen for founders.

It's crucial to monitor your gratification reserves actively. Here are some warning signs:

• Inability to make decisions you usually handle easily

• Questioning basic assumptions about your business that you were previously confident about

• Feeling unusually defensive about feedback

• Losing enthusiasm for aspects of the business you typically enjoy

Here's the most powerful insight about Gratification Reserves: they often replenish naturally with time.

When you're struggling with an important decision and can't seem to weigh the pros and cons effectively, chances are your gratification reserves are running low.

The solution? Don't force the decision. Do nothing. Wait. Your mojo will come back. And the hard decision, will not look hard any more.