Originally published on lavkesh.com

As a team leader, you can't avoid conflicts forever. They'll arise eventually, whether it's about a project, approach, or personalities. Ignoring them only makes things worse, causing people to take sides and the conflict to spread.

The moment you notice tension, address it directly, but not aggressively or publicly. Acknowledge the issue and express your desire to help resolve it. People respect directness more than avoidance.

Before intervening, understand the root cause of the conflict. Is it about work style differences, unclear expectations, or past resentments? Talk to each person separately, letting them vent and actually listen. Ask questions to clarify their concerns and what they're really upset about.

I've seen this play out many times, for example, when two team members at a previous company, John and Mike, couldn't agree on the architecture for a new feature. They both had valid points, but their communication was breaking down. I stepped in, spoke with each of them separately, and then facilitated a joint conversation. It turned out the issue was not the technical details, but rather the fact that they had different priorities, with John focusing on scalability and Mike on maintainability. Once they understood each other's priorities, they were able to find a compromise that met both needs.

People often don't surface the real issue until they feel heard. They might say they're mad about a code review but mean they feel disrespected or untrusted. Your goal is to understand both sides, not to judge.

Facilitate a real conversation by setting ground rules, such as no interrupting or personal attacks. Let each person share their perspective, and you stay calm and neutral. If someone's trying to win an argument, pull them back. This can be challenging, especially when the conflict involves strong personalities or high stakes. I recall a situation where two team leads, Rachel and Chris, were at odds over a project timeline. The tension was palpable, and it took some effort to get them to listen to each other. But once they did, they were able to find a solution that worked for both of them.

In my experience, tools like Slack or Microsoft Teams can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to conflict resolution. On the one hand, they provide a record of conversations and can help to clarify misunderstandings. On the other hand, they can also facilitate the spread of misinformation and rumors. It's essential to be mindful of these dynamics and to use these tools judiciously.

The breakthrough usually happens when each person hears the other's perspective and realizes it's not what they thought. There was just a miscommunication that spiraled. Look for common ground, like shared goals and values.

I've found that using techniques like active listening and open-ended questions can help to facilitate this breakthrough. For example, asking questions like 'What do you think is the root cause of this issue?' or 'How do you think we can work together to resolve this?' can help to get people thinking about the problem in a more collaborative way. Additionally, using tools like shared documents or collaborative note-taking apps can help to ensure that everyone is on the same page.

Call out the things you notice they agree on, reminding them they're on the same team. This foundation helps them work together professionally, even when disagreeing. It's also important to recognize that conflicts can be an opportunity for growth and learning. By working through difficult issues, teams can develop stronger relationships and a deeper understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Collaborate on a solution by asking them to come up with one together. 'What would make this better?' or 'How do we prevent this in the future?' Get them problem-solving together. This can be a challenging process, but it's essential for building trust and ensuring that the solution is sustainable. I've seen teams use techniques like design thinking or agile methodologies to facilitate this process, with great success.

The solution matters less than the fact that they came up with it together. They're more likely to follow through on something they agreed to. This is because they have a sense of ownership and investment in the solution, which can help to drive motivation and engagement.

Clarify expectations going forward, making it explicit who's responsible for what and how disagreements should be handled. This is also when you clarify team values, such as how to handle disagreements and earn trust. It's essential to document these expectations and values, so that everyone is on the same page and can refer back to them as needed.

Know when to get help if the conflict is rooted in something systemic, like discrimination. Involve HR or get professional help. Don't try to be the therapist. It's also important to recognize that conflicts can be a symptom of deeper issues, such as a lack of diversity or inclusion. By addressing these underlying issues, teams can create a more positive and supportive work environment.

Follow up genuinely a week later, checking in on how things are going. Celebrate their achievement if they worked through something hard and came out respecting each other more.