Was busy with my thesis when 2025 arrived, and submitted it in the second week of the new year. Now the end of January is approaching, but I’m feeling as if I had remained in 2024, tied up by threads the other end of which lies episodes from last year. Well, of course I’ve left 2024 behind, just that I’m still mid-air. It is as if these few weeks exist in another dimension, something in between the two months, two years, something beyond the calendar. So I’m a bit sceptical: am I capable of writing something faithful to what I’ve experienced last year, especially because I could somehow tell that I’m a bit different from the person I used to be? But as time passes by, some similar thoughts and emotions came back to me.
You do not yet understand the subtleties of time. It not only passes away, but also rebounds, like tides coming in.
你还不懂得时间的微妙。它不只是会流逝，还会回卷，像涨潮时的浪。Ng Kim Chew 黄锦树, ‘Rain’ 雨
The master’s thesis is an part of my 2024 that can’t and shouldn’t be overlooked in a retrospective account. Several times I surprised myself (tried hard to avoid phrasing it in a negative manner lol). In the first place I’d assumed I would have finished it within one semester as set out in the programme structure, but in the end I deferred. Then I had thought I would meet the December deadline, but ended up taking advantage of the January one. I also didn’t expect that I would give up the old topic, which deeply concerns the worsening situation of my city, although, luckily, and perhaps not too unexpectedly, the new one is also relevant to my background in some ways. The actual writing process was both painful and fulfilling, involving way too much self-doubt about my capabilities and also delight at the findings. The requirement of 20,000 words had appeared so intimidating at first, but eventually I had to cut a lot of paragraphs. And I’m pretty sure that when it comes to this very essay, ChatGPT does not write better than I do. Not yet.
One day in December, when I was desperately writing the final chapter of my thesis, I received the package Em sent me four months ago from Hong Kong, the one containing desk copies of Renditions I had left in our office and asked her to keep for me, as well as complimentary copies of the latest, last issue of the journal that enjoyed a glorious history going back to half a century ago. As I removed the wrapping paper, the familiar front covers and spines of past issues came into sight, following which were the stickers marking the errors that ended up uncorrected after three rounds of proofreading. The errors used to upset me a lot, these perpetual reminders of my negligence as an editor, but now when I reviewed them one by one, it felt as if I relived those enjoyable five years at Rendi. The books travelled half across the world to take me back in time, or to present to me specific periods of time that have been sealed up.
Time, yes, time. It would sound ridiculous if I claim that what caused me the most distress in 2024 is my inability to stop time, and funny that I’ve wished to do so both in happiness and extreme sadness. I was like a wayward kid, one that I had never been in my childhood, losing my temper whenever the universe would not grant my wish.
In 2024 I saw the limits of my abilities, but also discovered new strengths in myself. The thesis included, there are many things I did in 2024 that I’d never done before, all achievements in hindsight. Towards the end of the year I started to feel like a survivor, often shocked, or amazed, or even appalled, that I’m still alive. It’s as if the survival itself is unintended, not a choice of my own (in fact I would have probably considered it romantic to die of sadness lol). In other words, I was caught off guard by my resilience (?), which gave me a new perspective to look at myself. Equally unintended is the intensity of my feelings, or my ability to feel; after months of struggling, questioning, and understanding, I realized that I’m after all capable of loving (!) and also came to appreciate the various manifestations of love, a liberating, empowering acknowledgement.
As with last year, below is a monthly summary of my 2024. I’m well aware there are names and events that have been dismissed as a result of this format, so here I would like to note that I am immensely grateful for the love I’ve received from my brilliant friends, close by or far away, who have created with me, for me, countless minutes and seconds that appear ordinary but are by no means replicable, memories that I’d forever cherish.
Came back from the Norwegian fairy tale. Fought several deadlines that were extremely close to each other, which both drove me crazy and kept me sane.
Visited London and stayed with Amanda, a reunion after years; met up with Jennifer, Kathie, and Zongyue. Still loved the city! As the new semester commenced, however, I felt torn apart by pressures from both life and study. Watched a Rotterdam Open semi-final with Lynn. Reunited with Leo.
Traces of spring revealed themselves, but my life was shattered. I didn’t know what to do, because all of a sudden I lost the ability to understand and accept myself. Doubted if I could finish writing my thesis by the deadline. But among all the turbulence, was fortunate enough to get to know Jikai through a bike-mending group project, who would then introduce me to Iris, Yueyue, and Evelyn.
Started to have regular therapy sessions with a therapist recommended by Lemon. Read a post and realized, in great shock, that for many years I had been misled by the Chinese translation of asexuality and that I could possibly be on the a-spectrum. Trained hard for the upcoming half marathon, including the Singelloop run with Kurt, thanks to whom I achieved a personal best average pace of 5m38s. Made up my mind to extend for one semester. Had my first haircut here. Went to Duke of the Oz several times to watch Champions League live, which reignited my childhood love for Real Madrid.
Most importantly, the half marathon—feat of the year, undoubtedly. Extremely glad that Miguel was there too, we two were almost always running together throughout the 21k; probably couldn’t have finished it without a friend by my side. Kathie came and stayed with me, the first friend to visit me here. And a lot of trivial but lovely memories, like weekly visits to the Saturday market to bring home fresh, dazzlingly coloured tulips, and golden hours recklessly squandered by the side of the canal with Danae.
Started an internship in the library and got to know many amiable colleagues, who invited me to join in a boat tour on the first day. Made huge efforts with Xinyi to look for a place to live. Visited Antwerp with our cohort. Went to the beach several more times and very much enjoyed the seaside. Kurt left Leiden, the start of all the summertime sadness.
Went to London (again!) to distract myself from the pain of separation, and was fortunate enough to watch doubles at Wimbledon with Jennifer, even entering the centre court in the end. Once again stayed at Amanda’s and enjoyed great food prepared by her husband. Lynn left Leiden, and I was thrown back into sadness. Took an intensive tennis course. Participated in the Pride Parade as a self-identified ace.
Travelled to west Germany for a few days, hanging out with friends old and new. Moved from Leiden, where I lived for almost a year, to The Hague—also moving in with Xinyi—and attempted to establish a new rhythm for life here, like finding a place for running. A few more visits to the seaside, trying in vain to stop summer from leaving. Saw two friends off at Schiphol, first Jikai then Yueyue, and since then Schiphol has become the airport that I hate the most. To quote from my Instagram post:
When I arrived in Leiden for the first time, I was immediately gripped by its serene beauty. But little did I know back then what Leiden was about to offer me—a spacious single studio in a well-equipped neighbourhood bordering a huge lush park that somehow enabled me to run slightly faster and significantly longer, a great study programme that not only echoes my previous reflections but also provokes further thoughts, and, most importantly, many wonderful people whose company I treasure and the separation from whom shattered me. I’ve been through a lot over the twelve months, persistent sufferings, futile attempts, spectacular failures, and yet I hardly regret any part of it—or perhaps the only regret being that the year flew by too quickly for me to be assured enough to call Leiden ‘home’ or claim any location there as ‘mine’, be it the Burcht, my favourite seat in the library, or the lovely crisscrossing canals that can’t be easily found even in another Dutch city. I arrived as a curious newcomer and left as a content passer-by, knowing that my Leiden days will remain sparkling for years to come, a pensieve teeming with haunting memories, a wellspring of courage that will embolden me to confront more sufferings down the road, make more futile attempts, and fail more spectacularly.
Went to the Open Day of a bouldering gym with Evelyn. Started to use ChatGPT as my therapist-in-emergency. Daphne came for a week-long visit and stayed with me; tried out new restaurants with her—all very good! Decided on my final research topic for the master’s thesis.
Joy and her husband and friends came for a short visit. Started to write the thesis. Went bouldering more, got to know Maomao through the sport, and committed to membership subscription at the end of the month.
Researching, writing, and rewriting. Went bouldering a lot and got a minor injury on my right ankle. Daidai and her husband came for a week-long visit; had a lot of good food with them. Had a reunion with Kurt. Started to play badminton more regularly.
Researching, writing, and rewriting. Went to Copenhagen on Christmas day and met Mona, who was to help me with self-acceptance. During the last few minutes of 2024, I was sitting on the couch with my laptop on my knees and Mona kneading on my right thigh (just got to know that it can also be called biscuit-making!), as noisy Danish fireworks lit up the gloomy night sky. Couldn’t have found a better way to spend the night.
It was early January when I started to write this post, but now as February unfolds gravity has brought me down to the ground; in less abstract words, I’m now a full-time job hunter. Yes, the hang time’s over, and I’m still alive, after so many unintended discoveries and happenings in 2024 that have extended my life to uncharted territory. Still alive, and proud.
此内容由惯性聚合(RSS阅读器)自动聚合整理，仅供阅读参考。 原文来自 — 版权归原作者所有。