We can't get enough of Karen Doherty, the resident therapist of Blue Therapy, Netflix’s hit series which features real couples on her couch working through their relationship issues.
With more than two decades of experience as a psychosexual couples therapist and relationship coach, Karen sees a lot of clients seeking help for faltering marriages in what she calls ‘the relentless years’ – AKA midlife.
‘Teens, careers, menopause, man in midlife crisis, ageing parents, it’s all too much and they’ve lost each other in the melee,’ she says. The good news is that Karen believes most couples can reconnect if there’s love between them and they’re willing to work at reviving it.
Straight from her therapy room, here Karen reveals the six subtle signs your marriage is at breaking point and if you can – or even should – pull it back from the brink of divorce...
He’s being nice but not entirely present
If your husband is pleasant but 80 per cent present, it’s a signal he may be having an affair. When there’s a third person involved, there’s a much more palpable ‘checking out’.
You may notice he’s not as reciprocal. You may sense he’s lost curiosity around you and the relationship – because his curiosity is lodged elsewhere.
You may realise your needs aren’t being met and, worse, sense he’s not particularly interested and doesn’t really register them.
Netflix therapist Karen Doherty has more than two decades of experience as a psychosexual couples therapist and relationship coach
His behaviour feels confusing
There is often doubt, insecurity and fear involved in the decision to leave. And if there’s already someone else in your husband’s life, that will be exacerbated.
The frustration of his situation, and the guilt he might feel, often translates into him becoming quite vicious to deflect his shame.
He might criticise how you look, how you do something, your friends – how you go about life. His simmering discontentment will feel quite new and confusing.
You bicker more than fight
Healthy conflict means negotiating your differences with goodwill. This means wanting to understand and work out a compromise.
But if discontentment is brewing, there can be less fighting and more squabbling.
Your communication may be full of sarcasm, contempt and disrespect. Bickering and nitpicking are signs a couple has lost the ability to discuss, negotiate and navigate issues. It reflects emotional distance. And it’s when there’s space that affairs can happen.
If all is well, you tolerate your partner leaving their floss by the sink, or their absurd way of stacking the dishwasher
Nothing’s funny any more
If all is well, you tolerate your partner leaving their floss by the sink, or their absurd way of stacking the dishwasher. But if a relationship is in trouble, people stop accepting these irritations.
It’s usually because there’s been a lot of disappointment. Agreements and promises haven’t been kept so a hopelessness has set in.
Maybe there’s no longer any affection, humour or jokiness. Humour is a form of intimacy and sharing, so if it was there and it’s degenerated or disappeared, that’s a problem.
You’re afraid of a Twister
Communication breaks down when people become frightened to raise any difficulties because they fear their partner’s reaction.
Essentially, they feel emotionally unsafe. They know there’ll either be what I call a ‘twister’ – the tiniest critique will be blown up and twisted into a furious row. Or they’ll be punished with ‘bunkering’ – days of silence and withdrawal. So there’s a sense of treading on eggshells.
When there’s withdrawal or escalation every time you want to talk, you eventually think, ‘I won’t bring that up, I can’t be bothered. It will just go the way everything goes.’
Nothing is resolved and both feel lonely and disconnected.
The sex is ‘good enough’
A lack of intimacy doesn’t mean a lack of sex. A lot else may not be going well, but sex carries on. It may not be particularly sensual, intimate or erotic. It’s what I call ‘good enough’ sex. And couples can pretend if they’re having sex everything’s OK.
A warning sign is the demise of intimate, meaningful connection, such as a hand on the back, kissing or checking in.
Sex aside, there’s a sense of living parallel, even separate lives. All of which contributes to a space opening up between the couple – spelling danger for the relationship.
Karen Doherty, relationship therapist & coach and neurodiversity specialist can be found at: karendohertycoaching.co.uk