AS A SMALL child, I can vividly remember being bored to tears in mass on Sundays and my dad whispering into my ear that if I wasn’t good, “the man would throw me out.” I didn’t know who the man was or what he looked like, but I knew ‘the man’ could be anywhere and was not opposed to asking young children who didn’t behave to leave places like Mass, restaurants or even a supermarket.
Today, we tend to look back on these kinds of well-used parenting hacks from the 80s with a sense of superiority (and probably a strange sense of fondness, too). But for the most part, parenting strategies like this worked, or at the very least, they bought addled parents some time before their toddlers went fully nuclear.
Today, threatening your small child with the notion that some mystery man or woman is going to cross the room and throw them out due to their bad behaviour might seem overly harsh, but the gas thing about ‘the man’ (or ‘the lady’ – either worked) was that it was a completely empty threat used by probably put-upon parents, who weren’t strict authoritarians at all.
They were more than likely just at their wits’ end, like mine with my Mass-going shenanigans and wanted to avoid having to move with me into the dreaded ‘crying room’ (another 80s throwback for you), so they trotted ‘the man’ out as the final attempt to get me to behave.
I often wonder what my mum or dad would have done if I’d asked them any follow-up questions or challenged the idea of ‘the man?’ I never really called their bluff, although I’m fairly sure they pointed at some random man or woman in the distance on the occasions I probed any deeper, and it seemed to cement the idea even further, making me believe it was no bluff.
You’ve got to take your hat off to them for thinking on their feet. While the 80s weren’t perfect, I’d argue that no generation of parents was better at going with their gut than those of the 80s.
Who is ‘the man’ now?
Today’s mums and dads are parenting in very different times, though, with a wildly different set of expectations, pressures and schools of thought on what’s the best way to parent.
For many family households, two salaries are required to pay the bills, the cost of and access to childcare, especially for young children, remains a huge issue, and the constant narrative of parenting perfection from social media with labels galore and quick judgment on those who are not perceived to be doing it right, means parental burnout is not just an abstract anymore.
In 2024, the US surgeon general even issued a health warning around the stresses placed on modern parents, and we know that much of these stresses, especially around the mental load, falls disproportionately on women.
The thinking and advice around how we raise and discipline children has also changed drastically, with terms like gentle parenting becoming the norm. This popular school of thought validates young children’s feelings, rather than dismissing them. It views misbehaviour as a form of communication, rather than kids just being bold for the sake of it.
At its core, it’s a noble endeavour that aims to raise well-adjusted young people who are emotionally intelligent, and there’s no doubt about its benefits. But at times, I think it’s made parents afraid to say no to their children, when a firm but fair ‘no’ might be exactly what’s needed in the moment.
Bring ‘the man’ back?
In fact, I’m yet to meet a millennial parent who feels like they can’t gentle-parent their way out of anything in life. But at a time when parents are feeling more under the cosh and burned out than ever, maybe it’s about time we brought back ‘the man’ or ‘the lady’ into the modern parenting playbook without feeling judged for it?
I’m not saying we should be threatening our children 24/7 to get them to cooperate or behave, or bring back other 80s classics like the wooden spoon, corporal punishment or having kids play in smoke filled front rooms while parents whack on Watership Down and unknowingly traumatise them for life, but from time to time, I don’t think reaching for this handy little trick is such a bad thing.
Any parent of young children who has been faced with their umpteenth meltdown of the week over something as arbitrary as giving their child the wrong colour sippy cup, or god forbid not cutting the crusts off the sandwich, will understand that there’s only so much validating of feelings you can do when a toddler, who lacks much understanding of reason at the best of times, has flipped their lid.
When they are in full meltdown mode, all bets are off. We’ve all tried the art of listening, hugging, validating and naming feelings and the good old art of distraction, but maybe trotting out the line that ‘if you don’t stop that, the man will throw you out,’ is worth a punt too?
To be frank, sometimes you’ve got to use the dark arts when you’ve been personally victimised by your toddler all week, but parents often feel huge judgment if they do. But is deploying ‘the man’ when all else has failed, really any worse than telling young children that the café you are in is out of hot chocolate today or that when the ice cream truck puts on its music, it means it’s out of 99s?
I honestly think it’s a parenting hack worth trying. And, yes, while my children are blessedly out of the meltdown stage, at six and nine, there are plenty of new challenges. I’ve gone from occasional meltdown regulator to part-time referee, which is another fun stage to test your overstimulated mental resolve to the hilt.
Recently, when I was at my wits’ end after they couldn’t agree while we were in a toy shop, and I was on a tight schedule to get out of there and back on the road before the traffic got diabolical, I decided to see if deploying ‘the man’ trick would work.
“Boys, look, if you can’t agree, the man will throw you out,” I said, channelling my best 80s mum voice.
“What man? I don’t see any man?” my nine-year-old asked immediately. Without missing a beat, I pointed to the security guard, who looked stern, it has to be said, and I felt quite smug that I’d countered his bluff-calling with a solid reply.
“Him? Is he not the security guard? Why would he throw me out? I’m here to buy toys, not steal them.”
I wavered for a moment before answering, going off into a tangent about why he actually could throw them out, but that was it. My bluff had been called, and I didn’t have the energy to keep up the pretence, especially when my eldest went on to tell me that he had rights.
My six-year-old got in on the action, and they both started chanting that they had rights, so I decided it was time to just pay for the overpriced toy and leave with my tail between my legs for violating their rights.
I’d clearly missed the boat on the power of ‘the man,’ or maybe today’s children who are growing up in the glare of the internet and social media are just less gullible than those of the 80s?
Niamh O’Reilly is a freelance journalist and parenting columnist for TheJournal.ie.