The World Cup is on, as you know well. It’s a pity we’re not there, but there are compensations. You can follow any team you like.
Well, not quite. Here’s a guide to which team to support based on where you are in Cork.
Mexico
You’re from... Tivoli: an ancient culture which bumps right up against a modern society. With plenty of service stations on both counts.
South Africa
... Rushbrooke: part of a bigger entity with indistinct borders. A chip on its shoulder about that relationship? You might say that, I couldn’t possibly comment.
South Korea
... Knocknaheeny: For K-Pop read the Kabin Crew. All K, all the time.
Czechia
... Passage West: where does P. West end and Monkstown begin? Same with Czechia and Slovakia. Granted, those are internationally-recognised legal boundaries, but the idea’s the same.
Canada
... Mardyke: right next to the only real green space in Cork City in the same way that Canada has, er, forests everywhere.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
... Carrigaline: used to be something else and somewhere else entirely (part of the county) and now nobody can get used to it being part of the city/Europe, respectively.
Qatar
... Ballinlough: a small place hemmed in on all sides by larger entities but which hosted major soccer events long ago. Identical, really.
Switzerland
... Maryborough: The height: both a long way up and looking down on everyone else, metaphorically. Not as many St Bernards on Maryborough, mind.
Brazil
... Blackpool: like to see themselves as the aristocrats of the game/city. Hard to disagree given the track record.
Morocco
... Ballyphehane
Tunisia
... Turner’s Cross
Many readers will have difficulty separating them. In all cases there are proud identities which don’t necessarily share too many characteristics. But are prone to conflation by lazy columnists. So there’s that.
Haiti
... Rochestown: right next to a major power but reticent about its place in the world and its general significance (just kidding on both counts).
Scotland
... Killeens: you’re drifting northward and then you come up against an entirely different group with their own beliefs. And their own way of dressing (facts).
USA
... Ballincollig: A lot of space, a lot of people living there, but everyone’s experience of them is different. Other commonalities? The range of accents.
Paraguay
... Lee Road: they’re both elongated regions and they’re both alongside water, the main difference is that one harboured a lot of former Nazis. It wasn’t the Lee Road, just to clarify.
Türkiye
... Fountainstown: a great place to go when the sun is shining but unless you live there you don’t know a whole lot about it, in all honesty.
Australia
... Bishopstown: People go there and rave about it but they never come back and you’re not sure if they’re making up all their stories about it.
Germany
... Dillon’s Cross: both built around arterial roads. Yes, in this comparison the Ballyhooly Road and the Strecke 46 between Bad Brückenau and Gemünden am Main on the Fulda-Würzburg route are one and the same.
Curaçao
Me neither, to be honest. Midleton?
Ecuador
... Blackrock: consider themselves more important than other places? How dare you even suggest, etc.!
Netherlands
... Patrick’s Street: it’s the flatness, the vibe, the urban feel. And the impression that absolutely anything and everything is allowed there.
Ivory Coast
...Baile Mhúirne: Ivory Coast is also known as, the Côte d’Ivoire: could we stretch our boundaries to include another bilingual place?
Japan
... Horgan’s Quay: all those glass buildings on the quayside put me in mind of Tokyo. Which I have never visited, granted.
Sweden
... Glanmire: both large, mysterious, steep in places, snowy when it’s cold.
Belgium
... Shandon Street-North Cathedral: Bruges is one of the best-preserved old cities in Europe. The North Cathedral would fit in well.
Egypt
... Douglas: In one case the Pyramids have been the focus of pilgrimage for centuries. In the other the shopping centres have been the focus of pilgrimage for what feels like centuries of traffic.
Iran
... UCC: both places like to think they’re the centre of all human civilisation. And not slow to remind all of that belief.
New Zealand
... Gurranabraher: steep, like the Southern Alps down under. The Land of the Long White Cloud a little like The Red City, if you think about it.
Spain
... St Luke’s: it’s that fondness for the street life, I suppose. In both places people like to be out on the footpath talking nonsense.
Cape Verde
... Little Island: they’re both islands — or archipelagic states, to be precise.
Saudi Arabia
... Ballintemple: there’s a lot of sand in Saudi Arabia. There is, or was, a beach volleyball court behind Pairc Ui Chaoimh.
Uruguay
... Ballyvolane: not as big as others in the vicinity, perhaps, but has an outsize impact on the locality despite that imbalance.
France
... Mayfield: both regions share a sense of superiority based almost entirely on the way they talk, and we’ll just leave it at that.
Senegal
... Montenotte: as Mayfield is to France so Montenotte is to Mayfield is to France, if you follow. You probably need a background in colonial history to appreciate the subtlety of this comparison.
Iraq
... The Lough: the more natural comparison would be a large sandy region in Cork, if one existed, but the reedy lakescape of the Lough is reminiscent of the Mesopotamian Marshes.
Norway
... Farranree: northern, picturesque, sometimes peripheral to the city (or Europe, in Norway’s case). Independent-minded. Hilly.
Argentina
... Togher: not just the affinity for blue-tinged tops, the fondness for benevolent (and not-so-benevolent) dictatorships. If you know you know.
Algeria
... Glounthaune: these two share a sparkling rail infrastructure story. Algiers, the capital of Algeria, has an extensive light rail system. Glounthaune has a train station. Snap!
Austria
... Mahon: where does it start and Blackrock begin? You could compare their relationship with Germany and Austria, though without any unpleasant Anschluss back in the thirties.
Jordan
.... The Marina: both fabled lands with a history which goes back as far as the Bible (depending on what you see as your Bible, of course).
Portugal
.... Barrack Street: this is a pretty obvious one given the traditional cable cars in Lisbon and the planned Cork light rail going up Barrack Street. Oh wait ...
DR Congo
... Sunday’s Well: all sweeps down to the river, but the Lee rather than the Congo. Zaire became the Congo, in the same way Shanakiel (kind of) becomes Sunday’s Well.
Colombia
... Patrick’s Hill: could be twins; if the cable cars of Medellin were run up from Bridge Street they’d be identical.
Croatia
... Wilton: often mixed up with other neighbouring zones and a little touchy as a result. True of Croatia, true of Wilton.
Panama
... Middle Parish: more or less a conduit to other places, with a large amount of water nearby for navigation purposes.
Uzbekistan
... North-South Main Street: the traditional silk road went through Uzbekistan, bringing spices and silks from Asia to Europe. Similarly, the North and South Main Streets bring commodities from the North — to the Southside.
Ghana
... Grange: they both start with the letter G. It’s been a long day.
England
Come off it. I have to live here.
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