Happy couples are having sex at very different frequencies. We’re talking about a swing from four times a week to once a month. So much for the idea that there’s one magical number everyone is supposed to hit.

That range comes from recent reporting on couples who described themselves as happy, and the numbers were all over the place. One couple in their early 30s said they usually have sex once a week, though busy stretches can push that to every couple of weeks. Another couple, Elizabeth, 59, and Aaliyah, 54, said they have sex more than four times a week. Then there was Jessy, 32, and Steven, 46, who said once a month works fine for them because they work “crazy long hours” and don’t see frequency as “a reflection of the love we have for one another.”

That sounds more relatable to real life than the endless cultural pressure to act like great relationships are always dripping with spontaneous lust. A lot of people are tired. A lot of people are stressed. People are just trying to answer emails, keep children alive, pay for groceries, and occasionally remember they’re supposed to be sexy too.

This Is How Much Sex Happy Couples Have, According to the Experts

Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist for Lelo, said, “Sex can be an important part of a healthy relationship, but it’s not a total barometer for relationship health or satisfaction, and a sole focus on regularity of sex tells us nothing about the quality or satisfaction of those having it.” She also noted that sex lives are affected by everything else going on in a person’s life.

That’s probably what people need to hear most. Couples always compare themselves to some imaginary standard that nobody can even properly define. Once a week becomes the gold standard for a hot minute, then somebody on a podcast claims twice a day is the secret, and everyone feels behind on a scoreboard that shouldn’t exist in the first place.

Sexologist Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn also pointed to the obvious list of libido killers, including children, workload, stress, finances, and sick family members. In other words, life. The deeply unsexy thing that keeps barging into the room and ruining everyone’s perfect little fantasy of what a happy relationship is supposed to look like.

So how often do happy couples have sex? Apparently as often as works for them. Annoying answer, maybe. Still true. What people are doing in healthy relationships looks more flexible and less curated than the internet likes to admit.