Most people are better at researching a restaurant before a first date than having an actual conversation about sex with someone they’ve been sleeping with for years. Because they don’t want to, but because nobody ever quite figures out how or when to bring it up. The result is a lot of guessing, gradually building resentment, and a persistent sense that something is left unsaid.

The research confirms the problem is widespread. A meta-analysis of sexual communication studies found that couples only know about 62% of what their partners find sexually pleasing—and just 26% of what they find unpleasant. A 2024 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that sexual communication quality links directly to daily sexual satisfaction in both directions: better conversations lead to better sex, and better sex makes the conversations easier.

“Embrace the conversations about sex, romance, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom,” says couples counselor Michelle Janssen, speaking to Refinery29. “It’s important to be able to discuss wants, needs, and desires outside of initiating sex. This helps ensure the conversation is easier and reduces pressure from being in the heat of the moment.” Janssen put together a list of questions for couples at every stage of a relationship. The best ones are the ones most people never think to ask.

When you’re first figuring each other out

These questions from Janssen and Refinery29 are for the beginning—when understanding what sex means to each person is the foundation, and most couples completely skip it:

• What does sex mean to you?
• Is there anything from your past that would be helpful for me to know and be sensitive to?
• Is it hard for you to decline sex?
• When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, do you seek physical space or closeness?

Before things get physical

These go past the obvious logistics. They’re about setting up a dynamic where both people can say what they actually want, and feel okay doing it:

• What is the worst way to initiate sex with you?
• How could we decline sex in a way that doesn’t make either of us feel rejected?
• Is there anything you need after sex to feel connected?
• Is there anything about intimacy you wish someone had asked you that no one ever has?

When you want to go somewhere new

For couples who want to expand what they’re doing without anyone feeling pressured, blindsided, or like they have to fake enthusiasm to avoid an awkward silence:

• Are there desires you have that you feel embarrassed about or struggle to know how to share?
• Is there a way I can bring up a new idea without you feeling pressured?
• If we try something, and one of us loves it while the other doesn’t, how do we navigate that?

Most couples skip these conversations because they assume they already know, or because it feels like too much to bring up out of nowhere. The 62% finding suggests the first assumption is wrong, and the research suggests the conversations themselves are part of what makes the relationship better. One honest Tuesday night exchange is a reasonable trade for all of that.