The male loneliness epidemic has become a buzz phrase in recent years, yet many people disagree on the driving forces behind this wave of male suffering. As a woman, I can only empathize with this experience. I think we all know how it feels to be deeply misunderstood, unseen, or ignored in some way, but I can’t pretend to understand the male experience. 

According to Dr. JJ Kelly, PsyD, aka the punk-rock psychologist, the real issue at hand is emotional illiteracy among men. While that might seem a bit harsh, it paints the disconnect between men and women quite well. While women have been conditioned to accommodate and nurture, men have been conditioned to suppress their feelings and provide security.

According to Dr. JJ, the male loneliness epidemic might actually be a result of low emotional intelligence. She stresses that this is not an attack on men as individuals, but rather an attack on the system that raised them.

“Here’s the gap I see over and over with men: they won’t name loneliness at all,” Dr. JJ says. “They’re embarrassed by it. And if you can’t name the problem, you can’t solve it.”

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with one of my guy friends, as it changed my perspective on the male dating experience. He’d expressed his appreciation of women holding men accountable while also allowing them to be vulnerable. But in his experience, his own emotions—sadness, grief, anxiety—were met with contempt. He recalled a time when he cried in front of an ex-girlfriend, and that girlfriend responded by saying, “You’re giving me the ick.”

“Society has told men that the only emotion they’re allowed to validate is anger. Everything else, especially loneliness, gets coded as weakness,” Dr. JJ explains. “And everybody finds ‘shame’ uncomfortable. So now you’ve got men who are being shamed for their loneliness and running away from it. We are so far from problem-solving at that point.”

Unfortunately, this often leads men to numb or distract themselves from their emotions, says Dr. JJ. Then, they “self-medicate” with unhelpful substances or habits that only perpetuate the disconnect. For example, men often turn to video games, porn, alcohol, etc., to avoid their problems.

Addressing the Skills Gap

For men to address and heal from their loneliness, they must be willing to sharpen their emotional intelligence, says Dr. JJ.

“That’s not an attack at all. It’s an invitation,” she explains. “Because the key to healing loneliness is learning to connect. And learning to connect starts with learning to listen. That’s your key to light, to happiness, to joy. It starts there.”

It’s one thing to name your emotion as you’re feeling it. But the real healing begins with self-regulation, getting curious about your emotional experience, triggers, and impulses.

“That’s where the real skill-building happens,” Dr. JJ says. “Once you can map all of that, you’re no longer just reacting. You can actually choose a behavior that matches your values instead of just exploding, shutting down, or reaching for your phone (for example!).”

Women and the Male Loneliness Epidemic

On the other hand, we need to explore how others contribute to this gender gap. According to Dr. JJ, women—or really anyone, regardless of gender—must stop enabling their partners and let them learn from their mistakes.

“Enabling is the ‘help that doesn’t help,’” says Dr. JJ. “More specifically, it’s doing for someone else what they are fully capable of doing for themselves. And when you (aka women) do that, you’re not being kind—you’re robbing them (aka men) of the courage points, the self-esteem points, the confidence that only comes from doing hard things yourself.”

So…the solution?

“Stop doing emotional labor for other people, especially men,” she says. “Full stop. Name your own emotions. Do not put yourself in charge of regulating someone else’s. You are not his mom. And if you’re playing mom, that’s not sexy for either of you.”

“I want to be direct about this: if you put yourself in charge of someone else’s emotions and then complain about being drained, you are making a choice,” she says. “You can stop making that choice.”

Like men have been conditioned to avoid or suppress their feelings, women have been taught to overgive and accommodate. If we can all address our own skill gaps, we might come together more fully.

“Here’s what most women don’t realize: that performance of ‘politeness’ is increasing your loneliness,” says Dr. JJ. “And ironically, it’s increasing his too. When you pretend, you deprive him of real feedback, real connection, and a real person to actually be with. Stopping the performance isn’t just an act of self-respect—it’s actually the more loving thing to do.”