The internet’s “maxxing” era has given us sleep-maxxing, looks-maxxing, and enough wellness optimization content to make a person want to lie down. The newest entry skips self-improvement entirely and goes straight to performing emotional unavailability. Yikes.

“Bum-maxxing” is a dating trend circulating online in which men deliberately act emotionally unavailable, tell women they’re busy, and disappear for days, all under the theory that this behavior “attracts women on a primal level.” Dating coach Hayley Quinn told Tyla she has thoughts, and none of them are good.

“Bum-maxxing is when men intentionally act in a way that’s toxic, self-interested, and emotionally unavailable,” Quinn explained. “This means telling women that they’re busy, disappearing for days, and believing this behavior is the route to being attractive to women.”

The trend positions the “hot chaotic guy” as the aspirational model, someone who sleeps on a friend’s couch but has a “project” or vague “ideas” that make him feel superior to everyone around him. The operating theory is that a man who doesn’t treat women as a priority will have them doing the chasing.

Bum-Maxxing Is Selling a Fantasy

What separates bum-maxxing from run-of-the-mill bad dating advice is the demographic it targets. According to Quinn, it appeals to a generation of men who did everything right, got educated, got stable jobs, and still can’t get a match or a second date.

“Bigger picture, many men feel totally locked out of the dating scene,” Quinn said. “Being drawn to radical solutions like bum-maxxing stems from disappointment and rejection.”

That context adds a layer of sadness to the whole thing. Understanding why men are drawn to this doesn’t make the advice any less corrosive. Quinn is clear that the strategy is built on a fiction. “What bum-maxxing promises is that you can protect yourself from rejection by operating constantly from a place of emotional distance,” she said. “I can see why this is appealing to some men; however, ultimately, it’s selling a fantasy.”

The deeper problem, per Quinn, is what it does to the men who follow it. “When people feel they must put on an act to attract someone, it erodes their self-worth,” she said. “What bum-maxxing effectively says is, ‘Don’t be you, be this guy instead,’ which is seriously toxic.”

Her actual advice is boring by comparison. Meet more people in real life, develop communication skills, and skip the red pill rabbit hole.