If you’re familiar with the story of Frankenstein, you likely know how the monster was created. Dr. Frankenstein, a fictional mad scientist and protagonist of the classic novel, assembles the patchwork monster we know as Frankenstein. I won’t talk about what, exactly, the scientist uses to create Frankenstein, but let’s just say he’s made up of many…parts.

Today, many dating experts have noticed a similar (yet less graphic) manifestation of Dr. Frankenstein’s behavior occurring in romantic relationships. Known as “frankensteining,” the dating pattern involves morphing your significant other into the ideal partner, based solely on your preferences. 

“Frankensteining is something that has always been an issue in dating,” says Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, IRT. “Frankensteining involves trying to mold or change your partner’s appearance, interests, and habits to better fit what you believe to be your ideal partner.”

Are You Frankensteining Your Partner?

Many people Frankenstein their partner without even realizing it, unaware of how damaging it can be for both their partner and their relationship.

“One way to notice if you are Frankensteining your partner is if you are thinking, ‘If they would only (fill in the blank), it would be so much better,’” Sloan explains. “If you’re buying your partner new clothes that are completely different from what they normally wear to create a different style, you’re Frankensteining your partner. If you ask your partner to change their hair color to fit your ideal, you’re Frankensteining them. If you insist they join you in hobbies that you enjoy and they do not, you’re Frankensteining your partner.”

Why People Frankenstein Their Partner

There are many reasons someone might Frankenstein their partner, and now all of them are necessarily negative or ill-intentioned. For example, let’s say you’re dating someone who’s stuck at a dead-end job they hate. Perhaps you try convincing them to leave and pursue something that actually fulfills and supports them. This can be a positive form of encouragement, but if approached from a place of control rather than care, it can quickly spiral into frankensteining.

Additionally, some people Frankenstein simply because they’re dating their partner’s potential, not the actual imperfect human in front of them.

“A lot of people Frankenstein their partner as part of wishful thinking, bringing to life their ideal partner,” says Sloan. “Frankensteining usually begins to happen as the new relationship energy wears off, and you begin to notice things that feel less than optimal in your new partner. So, rather than breaking up and risk having to start over completely, it can feel easier to Frankenstein your partner into something that fits your ideal.”

Unfortunately, this is a common pattern in dating. But it’s far more loving to part ways with an incompatible partner than it is to forge a connection or attempt to change them.

“The best way to avoid Frankensteining your partner is to allow them to maintain their autonomy,” Sloan states. “Allow them to be different than you, or different than your ideal. Frankensteining your partner is really a way to control them, by attempting to change who they are physically, mentally, or emotionally.”

You know what happens when you Frankenstein your partner? You risk creating a monster.