Just in time for beach bod season, Hormel Foods, the purveyors of fine pulverized and canned meat products of unknown but still delicious origins, has announced that they have played God once again. This time, they’ve taken good old-fashioned SPAM and changed its form factor from mysterious gelatinous meat cube to mysterious gelatinous meat tube.

Pop your Lipitor and raise your Ozempic syringe into stabbing position, because SPAM hot dogs are here, and may God have mercy on us all.

Officially and elegantly called the “Spam Dog,” the new product is exactly what it sounds like: SPAM reshaped into a hot dog. I always fully capitalized SPAM, and I don’t know why. Please don’t question me on this.

According to Hormel’s press release, the item is aimed at food service vendors and will debut this summer at CHS Field, home of the St. Paul Saints minor league baseball team.

Of course, the SPAM hot dog would make its debut in the Midwest. Of course.

The Spam Dog Was Destiny

The news is somehow not surprising. It has an air of inevitability to it. Like this was destined. If you looked into the multiverse, Doctor Strange-like, you would scarcely find an alternate reality in which the SPAM hot dog was never invented at some point or another.

Hormel says that the Spam Dog will still taste like SPAM, but now it will be a tube that can easily fit in a hot dog bun. Which is good, especially for anyone who has eaten a hot dog and wished it could taste more like wartime rationing.

Did you know that SPAM is a World War II byproduct? It was officially introduced in 1937 but became a huge hit during World War II when food supplies were low, and a mystery tin of salty, fatty, calorically dense protein could be packed by the thousands onto planes and ships to soldiers all across the Pacific Theater, eventually becoming a dietary staple in places like Hawaii, South Korea, and the Philippines. And for good reason. It’s delicious, despite the gross wet scllllloooorch sound it makes when it de-suctions itself from the can and plops onto a surface with a slimy thud. Now imagine that, but phallic, and you’ve got yourself a Spam Dog. Bon appétit.