Sea lion sensation Chonkers has all the hallmarks of a recent arrival to San Francisco: an annoyingly cloying social media presence, strong appeal to out-of-towners, and a general air of entitlement.

Transplant energy all around.

Not content to bask solely in the sun, the 2,500-pound celebrity is basking in the glow of positive Fox News stories (opens in new tab) and Mayor Daniel Lurie’s Instagram posts (opens in new tab). It’s no wonder his girthy species, the Steller sea lion, is described in the scientific literature as an “opportunistic marine predator.”

Conveniently, Chonkers just rolled into town as the city is on the upswing and rockfish are plentiful. Where was he during the pandemic, when San Francisco was struggling? Do digital nomads with flippers for digits put down roots or just extract wealth (or at least squid) before moving on? Is there any truth to the rumor that he’s been feuding with Lou Seal? Exactly how stellar is this Steller, anyway? 

Unquestionably, he’s a marine industry plant — a preening pinniped looksmaxxer, frame-mogging the resident sea lion population. A quick glance at Steller sea lions’ range suggests Chonkers may even be from Russia!

What’s more, he’s taking up valuable real estate, throwing his weight around and quite literally displacing native California sea lions. Pretty soon, he’ll be posting content about Butter & Crumble’s savory pastries, throwing peptide raves at St. Joseph’s Arts Society, and painting a Victorian gentrification gray (opens in new tab).

The time to intervene is now. First, it’s helpless sea lion pups named Irving (opens in new tab) wandering around the Outer Sunset at night. Next thing you know, we’ll wake up one morning to find the entirety of Pier 39 has been upzoned into a 25-story Safeway where none of the bags have handles.

Therefore, we are calling for Chonkers to be deplatformed. We not only demand that his Instagram, TikTok, and other social media accounts be immediately deactivated, but we want him deplatformed in the physical sense. Kick him right off that sheltered floating pedestal and hold space for the sea lions who have called the wharf home for generations. 

Of course, we might already be too late. When The Standard went to Pier 39 to confront Chonkers over the weekend, we couldn’t spot him. Some Redditors speculate that he has already moved on (opens in new tab). Like so many transients before him, he’s come in, gentrified the joint, and then moved on. One hundred bucks he’s in Austin now. Or worse, Miami Beach.