Rocket-jumping into early access today
Towards the end of goblinAmerica's tutorial level, you mercilessly gun down a huge cherry tree. Like much else in the game's world, the tree is an abomination – beige and rubbery as a stunted hatchling, with hard, tacky fruit hanging from it like dumbbells torturously sewn into the skin. Its death throes are pathetic, and somehow erotic. It sags and sprawls, breasting across the arena boobily with an undefinable cry. I am happy that this creature is slain, and hope never to encounter its like again. I know in my heart that I will.
Not being a Star-Spangled Banger (US citizen), I was confused by goblinAmerica's hostility towards cherry trees. A bit of googling suggests that it's a reference to a folk story about George Washington, who just happens to be the tutorial mission's star.
Apparently, auld Washers chopped down a cherry tree on his sixth birthday, then earned his dad's everlasting respect by not lying about it. Easy enough for some. GoblinAmerica appears to be a game's worth of such presidential trivia, atrociously transformed. It's a fleet-footed first-person shooter in which you play a gobbo reincarnation of "every" Potus from Washington onwards, gunning and sliding through an America built from kaiju innards, which is caught in a holy war between rival celestial bodies.
Specifically, you'll be reliving each President's "worst moments", the moments at which they fell to the forces of Bedlam. "Shimmer into the life of each President in turn," explains a haunted gasmask full of puke with a Tudor ruff and an inexplicably prehensile headsock. "Each godray, each blessed scion of the Solar Order at the moment of the Verminstar's transgression." The tutorial mission starts with you jumping out of a prolapsing Venus flytrap. The corridors of the level are filled with the golden corpses of your clones.
Assuming it's not apocryphal, I'm not sure George Washington regarded his crimes against cherry trees as a career low, but the "worst moment" premise certainly captures the subsequent Abe Lincoln level, which begins with Abe Lincoln avoiding assassination. The writing makes a joke of the whole thing. "Ugh, don't look now, but that guy John Wilkes Booth is right behind you," remarks your goblin wife, in words that flop to the floor as they are spoken. Fortunately, John Wilkes Booth can't seem to settle his aim, angrily telling you to stop moving around whenever you speak to him.
Having survived assassination, you take Abraham Goblincoln on a tour of the theatre and the streets beyond. Whatever terrible inspiration gave rise to the cherry tree is in full force here. The cars look like they are moulded from pancake batter. The buildings appear cut from snakeskin. Some kind of golden fetish bobbles at the top of the HUD as you shoot a few pugnacious gobbos with traffic cones on their heads. The demo doesn't give you much of the stratospheric, Tribes: Ascend-esque action depicted in the early access trailer, but it's clear that you're playing a 'movement shooter', with rocket-jumping, kneeslides and a few secrets that are uncovered through agility.
Probably the worst thing I can say about goblinAmerica is that it occasionally feels like vibey pissing-around with grotesques for the sake of it. It reminds me of Cruelty Squad and Sluggish Morss: Pattern Circus, but it doesn't yet have the purposefulness of those deceptively "brainrotten" games. Still, I'm interested to see what comes of its rancid rolecall of American presidents. You can try the demo for yourself on Steam, as of writing – the game launches into early access today.