Papa, why is India not playing in the World Cup?” Kattabomman held up a newspaper page showing the details of all the FIFA teams, groups, and schedule of matches.

I was dreading this question ever since Katta was born. I knew it would come up one day. For Indian parents — but not necessarily for parents of other nationalities — it was another equivalent of “where do babies come from?”. If you are a father, you could sense an unspoken accusation, derived, you realise, from an unmet expectation.

Every single day in school and outside, children hear that India is the best, and Indians are the greatest. Also, kids of this age expect their Papa to have all the answers. If anything needs fixing, Papa would know how to fix it. But not this though: India’s inevitable absence at the football world cup defies India’s greatness as well as Papa’s. Don’t ask which Papa.

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

I was acutely conscious that a lot depended on my response to Katta’s innocent query. It could shape the answer he will give his great-grandchildren when they ask him, 76 years hence, “Great-grandpa, why isn’t India playing in the 2102 football World Cup?”

I don’t remember asking my own father this question. But Appa had obviously given it much thought. He had his own theory and never missed an opportunity to air it. He believed India would have easily qualified for the World Cup and also won it more times than even Brazil, provided the rules were slightly modified.

A football team, he said, should have the option to deploy 11 ‘by-runners’, just like how a cricket team can do for an injured batsman. The runners need not be of the same nationality as the football team. So the Indian football team should have the option of hiring, say, 11 Argentinian by-runners — but only for its forwards, defenders, mid-fielders, and goalkeeper. “Once the running and kicking part is outsourced, Indians will be unbeatable in football,” Appa liked to say. “That’s why we are so good at cricket. Not much running, and after each run, you get a few minutes’ rest.”

But I told Katta the truth. “We are not in the World Cup because we did not qualify.”

“Why didn’t we qualify?”

“We weren’t good enough,” I said.

My mother, who till then had been quietly reading the Bhagavad Gita, piped up. “Dei, what is that new country which has qualified? Kurkure or something.”

“It’s Koora khao,” Katta said.

“It’s Que-ra-sao,” Wife said.

“How do you know,” I was shocked. “You don’t even follow football. Or any sport for that matter.”

“I do follow geography,” she said. “Can any of you point out Curaçao on the world map?”

As Katta and I looked at each other, Amma said, “Wherever it is, do you know its population? 1,56,000!”

“That’s the population of Besant Nagar,” I said.

“That’s the population of Lajpat Nagar,” Wife said.

“So, it’s like Lajpat Nagar has its own team in the World Cup but India doesn’t?” Katta wanted to know.

“Sort of,” I said. “But we did qualify for the World Cup once. In 1950. When it was held in Brazil.”

“Did we win, Papa?”

“Nope,” I said. “But we were in the same group as Italy, Sweden and Paraguay. Imagine! India could have played Italy in Brazil! But we didn’t even go.”

“So India has never played a single match in the football World Cup?”

“Never,” I said. “1950 was the only time we were in grave danger of participating. We accidentally qualified because all the other teams in our qualifying zone withdrew.”

“That’s the only way India can qualify,” Wife said.

“Don’t be so cynical,” I said. “At least not in front of Katta.” I never forget my patriotic duty to uphold national pride in front of the younger generation. “If India has never played in the World Cup, there is good reason for it.”

“Really?” she said. “Do enlighten us.”

“Do you know which country invented football?” I said.

“Brazil? Argentina?”

“Football was invented by England,” I explained. “A country that enslaved us for 200 years. Why should we imitate whatever they do? That’s why from the time we got independence, till today, every four years, India has courageously defended its record of never playing in the football World Cup. Isn’t that something to be proud of?”

“But Papa,” I could literally hear the wheels turning inside Katta’s head, “wasn’t cricket also invented by the British?”

“That’s enough questions for one day,” I said. “This is not a press conference.”

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.