Name: The National Trust.

Age: 131. The National Trust was founded in 1895.

Why? It was created to “promote the permanent preservation for the benefit of the nation of lands and tenements (including buildings) of beauty or historic interest”.

Old houses and tea rooms? Boring! Also coastal paths …

Can we go to Alton Towers instead? Please! Many of the old houses have been on TV and in the movies.

Like? Chartwell, Petworth, Fountains Abbey …

No, I mean what films and TV shows? Downton Abbey, Wolf Hall, Bridgerton, as you’d probably expect. But also Peaky Blinders: The Immortal Man (Calke Abbey), Game of Thrones (Castle Ward), Bond and Indiana Jones (Stowe).

OK, let’s go to the Peaky Blinders one and I’ll make a TikTok. Er … it might cost you.

What do you mean? It’s just me. I’m not Steven Spielberg! So the National Trust, which made £3.1m in location fees last year, has been charging visitors who want to film at their sites. It states: “Any influencer, social media auditor or citizen journalist who wishes to create paid-for or gifted content on social media must pre-book through the Filming and Locations Office.”

How much? £360.

Is it a recent introduction? No, but the Daily Telegraph and the Sun have reported on it this week. A spokesperson for the National Trust said: “Our filming policy isn’t new. As a charity, the fees we make from commercial filming go back into caring for beautiful landscapes, buildings and gardens.”

So they’re creating drama for no reason? Yes, indeed.

It’s been in the wars a bit recently hasn’t it, the old National Trust? Culture wars, certainly, with insurgent group Restore Trust accusing it of “wokeness” for revealing how some of its properties have ties to slavery.

And scone-gate? Actually Scone Palace, near Perth, isn’t one of theirs. It’s in Scotland, for one thing, and it’s still in the hands of the Earl of Mansfield …

No, scone, as in the thing you put jam and cream (or is it cream and jam) on? Oh yes. The National Trust received more accusations of wokery after the introduction of a vegan recipe in its cafes.

Did they cave in? Not if you use self-raising flour.

No, the National Trust. Oh I see. Celia Richardson, its director of communications, said on X at the time: “The culture warriors have reached the gates of the citadel … National Trust⁩ scones have been made without butter for many years.”

What if you like butter? It’s OK, it has put its scone recipe online and you can use as much dairy as you like at home. More importantly, members have thwarted efforts to elect opponents to The National Trust council, which appoints board members. Let that be a lesson to influencers …

How so? Prebook and cough up, or face a barrage of wrath from the ramparts.

OK, do say: “For everyone, for ever.” (The National Trust motto)

Don’t say: “Hi ChatGPT, please create a visual of a generic stately home, for my TikTok backdrop …”