In a perfect world, everyone says exactly what they want in bed, nobody takes it personally, and everyone has a great time. Most relationships don’t live in that world. For many women, sexual honesty feels risky — too much chance of hurt feelings, too much cultural baggage telling them their desires are excessive or embarrassing. So they stay quiet.

A range of sex therapists, psychologists, and researchers recently shared what women most wish their partners understood, via Good Housekeeping UK. Consider this the conversation most couples aren’t having.

Women’s desire isn’t spontaneous

Sex and relationships psychotherapist Miranda Christophers explains that many women need the conditions to feel right before arousal is even possible — emotional connection, feeling safe, the right environment. This is called responsive desire, and it’s completely normal. “I wish more women, and their partners, knew about responsive desire,” said Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist, sex therapist, and author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex, per Good Housekeeping. “Especially as we age and our relationships last longer, women stop feeling spontaneously ‘horny,’ so using responsive desire is the only way to go.”

Women want to feel actively desired

“There is a subtle but important difference between being someone your partner has sex with, versus someone your partner actively wants,” says Anna Richards, founder of ethical erotica platform FrolicMe, per GH. More build-up, more attention, more intentional pursuit. That’s the ask.

The sex probably isn’t as good as you think

Camilla Peterson, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute, says, “Don’t assume everything is good.” Research shows nearly 60% of women have faked an orgasm, most commonly to avoid hurting a partner’s feelings. Psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle, author of The Science of Sex, adds that many women continue having sex that’s painful without saying anything, which creates a cycle of anxiety and tension that makes things progressively worse.

The domestic load is a libido killer

Psychotherapist Lisa Bruton explains that domesticity affects women’s desire far more than men’s, because the cultural roles women inherit — mother, wife, caretaker — are actively de-eroticizing. The more burdened a woman feels, the less sexual space she has. Shared load, more desire. It really is that connected.

Women need to actually be present

“The single biggest obstacle to women’s sexual pleasure isn’t anatomical ignorance, though that’s real too,” says psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber, author of What We Want, per Good Housekeeping. “It’s the inability to be psychologically present.” Women are conditioned to monitor — how they look, how long they’re taking, whether they’re too much or not enough. That constant internal surveillance kills arousal. Partners can help by creating an environment where none of that feels necessary.

Orgasm isn’t always the point

Only about 20% of women reliably orgasm from penetration alone. Despite that, orgasm has become the default finish line — the unspoken measure of whether sex was a success. That pressure isn’t doing anyone favors. “When the emphasis shifts away from a specific outcome and towards shared experience, pleasure becomes much easier to access,” says Richards.

Duty is the enemy of desire

“As soon as sex becomes ‘dutiful’ — a debt to be paid or a response to being taken out to dinner — women disconnect from their own bodies,” says Bruton. When women ask themselves what they actually want and answer honestly, everything changes. Obligation and arousal don’t coexist well.

Scheduled sex isn’t a red flag

“It is so unrealistic to think that in a long-term relationship you’re always going to be raring to go,” says Emma-Louise Boynton, creator of Sex Talks and author of the upcoming Pleasure: The Reclamation of My Body. Setting aside time—a date night, a diary entry—to create the right conditions isn’t clinical. It’s practical.

Sex toys aren’t competition

Dr. Mintz doesn’t sugarcoat it. Only 4% of women say intercourse alone is their most reliable route to orgasm. Vibrators are medically supported tools, the idea that they’re “threats” is ridiculous. In one study, 93% of women who had never had an orgasm were able to with a clitoral vibrator. “Vibrators are not addictive, don’t desensitize the clit, and don’t replace men,” Mintz notes. Women who use toys with partners report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than those who use them alone.

Ask…and actually listen

“One of the biggest stitch-ups in our romantic ideology is this idea that if you meet someone who really gets you, they will know how to love you,” says Boynton. “This is completely false.” Most people are performing what worked before and hoping for the best. Asking what a partner wants, and being truly open to the answer, is where things actually improve.