A conversation about the day’s playground shenanigans with one of my kids had me asking him: “do you know what social skills are?”.

He replied “no, what’s that?”.

After I explained, he was keen to tell me which skills he thinks he is good at (being kind and respectful, communicating with friends, being able to compromise within a group with different needs). He then said “the skill I don’t have, is I’m too shy. I don’t know how to talk to new people or at school I’m scared to ask to join in on a game”.

I said “when I was your age I found that really hard also. Well I wasn’t good at many social skills but the shyness was the thing I found hardest”.

He was shocked. “Really?! But you’re not shy at all now!!”

“I am still very shy. I’m still scared to meet new people, but I d”

“DO IT ANYWAY!!” (he has a habit of finishing my sentences).

“Yes. Social skills are like maths, english or soccer skills, they can all be practised. But just like those other types of skills some people find them easier to learn than others. And we all have different things we are good at. You’re only in grade 1 so you and your school friends are still learning about social skills, so you’re all going to make mistakes sometimes, and that’s okay. It’s part of learning and getting better.”

He sat in deep thought for a moment, and then changed the subject to handball skills and how he is much better at them than his classmates.

Later that night I was reflecting on how cool it is that we have the the resources to help us meet our kids where they are, about growth mindset and differently-wired brains. In the 90s it was like you were likeable and “normal” or weird and shy and awkward (me). End of story.

I was worried that sending my kid (who happens to be just like me) to school would bring up a whole bunch of stuff around how fraught navigating friendships was for me. But instead of it being triggering or upsetting, I’ve discovered it is that experience which equips me to parent him through it. And in doing so I get to reparent myself. It’s quite healing really.