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Hands-free doxxing
70+ styles to suit everyone from laid-back perverts to active predators
Auto-Stare mode to stare at things for you
AI therapy chat for parsing what drove you to buy this
Certain beating every time wearer says “Hey, Meta” in public
Hourly giraffe facts
Identifies ugliest friend and replaces face with today’s DraftKings betting picks
More than enough battery life to last until you’re thrown out of Lululemon women’s section
Administers small shock every time user looks away from targeted advertisements
Easily fits in any garbage can
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