Disney’s live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie.
Q: Who is the target audience?
A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive their childhood.
Q: Who is the villain?
A: The looming threat of a live-action Frozen.
Q: What was the process for transforming Dwayne Johnson into the character Maui?
A: A grueling, five-second wig application.
Q: How long is Moana?
A: It’s about the length of the movie Moana.
Q: Are there any new songs?
A: Lin-Manuel Miranda provided a new song called “Call Me Mr. Secretary (Put Me On The 10)” that was cut from Hamilton.
Q: Now that Disney’s created so many live-action remakes, what’s left?
A: Melody Time, that thing where Donald Duck learns about math, and the opening credits to Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Q: Why are fans calling the original better?
A: They say Dwayne Johnson’s emotional range is best captured without his actual face.
Q: What did the film cost?
A: The beautiful, unsullied memory of the original.
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