When faced with a small sample from a large universe of possible outcomes, scientists often turn to the venerable Good--Turing estimator. Despite its pedigree, however, this estimator comes with considerable drawbacks, such as the need to hand-tune smoothing parameters and the lack of a precise optimality guarantee. We introduce a parameter-free estimator that bests Good--Turing in both theory and practice. Our method marries two classic ideas, namely Robbins's empirical Bayes and Kiefer--Wolfowitz non-parametric maximum likelihood estimation (NPMLE), to learn an implicit prior from data and then convert it into probability estimates. We prove that the resulting estimator attains the optimal instance-wise risk up to logarithmic factors in the competitive framework of Orlitsky and Suresh, and that the Good--Turing estimator is strictly suboptimal in the same framework. Our simulations on synthetic data and experiments with English corpora and U.S. Census data show that our estimator consistently outperforms both the Good--Turing estimator and explicit Bayes procedures.