Back view of a young mother holding hands with her son and walking on a city street while going to the kindergarten.

getty

With many leaders waking up to the research and data that human skills will be a competitive edge in the age of AI and help us navigate rapid change, empathy is becoming a core part of many professional development programs at companies such as Zurich Insurance. And it's leading to success internally and in the market.

But there is one teacher who doesn't cost the company a dime and offers leaders a safe place to practice empathy in the most important relationship of their lives: Your own child.

This month, my son turns 12. And somewhere between the meltdowns, the eyerolls, and the magical moments that flutter the heart, I realized he's been teaching me more about this skill I teach others about than any book, interview, or research report.

Most of us think empathy is something we pass down - to teams, employees, younger colleagues, or even customers. But parenting flips this entirely. One is tested in real time, under pressure, by someone who hasn't yet learned emotional regulation or how to be polite about another's failures.

Empathy has always been a critical skill for leaders, but it's taking on a new level of meaning and priority - far from a soft approach, it can drive significant business results. If it matters that much at work, the training ground for it matters too.

LESSON 1: You Can't Teach What You Haven't Practiced

Empathy isn’t a concept to explain. It’s a behavior to model. The old adage that actions speak louder than words is never more true than when you’re raising children - or motivating a team. Research on child development confirms that one of the most powerful ways to teach children empathy is to be empathetic yourself in your parenting because children learn by watching. This is humbling because it means every moment of impatience, every dismissive response, every "I don't have time for this right now" is a data point your kid (and your employee) is collecting. It also means you must be honest with yourself about which muscles need strengthening.

The leadership parallel is direct: roughly 55% of leaders overestimate how empathetic they are at work, illustrating a gap between how leaders and team members actually experience empathy.

Kids close that gap fast. They have no filter or incentive to protect your ego. Neither, eventually, do your team members. They just act on it more quietly.

Leader takeaway: Ask yourself honestly: are you modeling the emotional intelligence you claim to value, or just talking about it in all-hands meetings or on pretty posters on the wall?

LESSON 2: Understanding Why Someone Can't Do What You're Asking Changes Everything

One of the most frustrating things about parenting a tween is asking for reasonable behavior from a brain that is literally not yet equipped to deliver it consistently. The prefrontal cortex — the region responsible for emotional regulation and voluntary control — shows protracted development into early adulthood, entering a particularly dynamic period during adolescence. In other words, the emotional outburst isn’t defiance, it's neurology. Once you internalize this, your whole approach shifts from frustration to curiosity. What's going on underneath the surface?

Leaders face this same dynamic constantly. A team member who seems checked out, resistant, or reactive is rarely choosing to be difficult. There's almost always context - overwhelm, unclear expectations, a fear they haven't named. Stress and anxiety impact our capacity and ability to think clearly, follow directions, or come up with creative ideas. Workers report that mutual empathy between leaders and employees drives increased efficiency, creativity, and job satisfaction. But that mutual empathy requires leaders to ask why before they react.

Leader takeaway: Before you address the behavior, get curious about the constraint. What does this person not have - capacity, clarity, confidence - that would help them show up differently?

LESSON 3: Kids Will Hold You Accountable to the Gap Between What You Say and What You Do

This is the hardest one. As kids get older, they start noticing when your actions don’t match your stated values. You preach patience and then snap at the driver who cuts you off. You talk about listening and then interrupt dinner to answer a Slack message. They call it out; sometimes loudly, sometimes with just a look that cuts straight through you. The EY 2023 Empathy in Business Survey found that over half of employees believe their company's empathy efforts are dishonest, largely because leaders don't follow through. Kids figured this out before employees had to put it in a survey.

Leader takeaway: Your team is watching whether your walk matches your talk. One inconsistency doesn't undo everything, but a pattern of them will. Name the gap yourself before someone else does.