We often think kind things about the people around us, but how often do we share them? Giving a compliment not only gives the recipient a huge boost but it also releases feel-good endorphins in the brain of the giver.
However, the thought of giving compliments can feel daunting. What if it sounds cheesy, awkward or insincere? What if it's not received in the way it was intended? While these worries are all understandable, with a few simple considerations, giving a genuine compliment can be easier than you think.
Read on to learn more about how to compliment someone effectively, with expert insight from relationship coach and author Rachel Rose.
Knowing how to compliment someone effectively comes down to three main steps: understanding the power of a compliment and how you want to make the recipient feel, preparing yourself to give it, and considering the elements that go into a good delivery.
First things first, consider how powerful a genuine compliment can be to the recipient. By complimenting someone on their character, energy or how they make you feel can positively impact them for months, if not years, to come. When a compliment feels disingenuous, however, the recipient will feel it. It may make them feel misunderstood or point to the fact that you’ve created a false sense of who they are in your head.
A meaningful compliment is always one that you genuinely feel or have thought to yourself. For instance, you may have noticed how charismatic someone is, or how others seem to feel comfortable in their presence. Likewise, you might admire their quick wit or listening skills. As a general rule of thumb, if you’re really taking notice and like the person, genuine compliments should come easily.
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We all know how warm we feel inside when someone gives us a really thoughtful compliment. But what actually happens in our brains during this type of interaction? “Giving and receiving compliments activates reward pathways in the brain and gives you a hit of dopamine,” explains relationship coach Rachel Rose.
“The more you do this, the more your brain starts to associate compliments (both giving and receiving) with a feel-good emotional state.” She adds that this is why, for people who feel comfortable with giving compliments, it can become something they naturally want to do more often. “Over time, it builds positive reinforcement and can even shift your baseline mood in a more optimistic direction.”
Once you know what you’d like to compliment someone on, the next step is preparing yourself to give it. Delivering it in the right circumstances can make all the difference in how it’s received. Here are a few pointers to consider:
First of all, think about an appropriate situation when you could give a compliment such as on a walk, at an intimate dinner, or having a coffee. It should flow naturally with the conversation. A compliment delivered out of context could surprise the recipient and make them feel embarrassed.
Compliments are generally well received when the recipient understands that your intent is real. Superficial compliments that you don’t really mean will land badly and come across as insincere. For example, there’s no point telling someone they look amazing when they are unwell and tired and not looking their best.
Dishing out generalised and impersonal compliments can come across as transactional. Instead, think about the things you like about the recipient and the positive moments or exchanges that have affected how you feel about them.
Delivering an authentic compliment is easy when you know how. Here’s what to bear in mind:
The most convincing compliments are offered when the moment’s right or it flows within a conversation. For instance, you may be having a conversation about how you first met and your first impressions – prime time for a compliment. Or, if you’ve noticed something you really love about them, such as how funny they are, you could say this after they’ve made you laugh. If the person makes you feel uplifted, tell them so after spending the day with them. “You're so naturally funny – I haven’t stopped laughing all day!” for instance, or “you always put me in such a good mood”.
Acknowledging your shared interests is also a natural way of delivering a compliment. For instance, if you both love film and you admire how much they know about the subject, tell them.
Or, if you both enjoy running or playing tennis, saying something like, “Just when I thought I couldn't be more obsessed with tennis, you came along and made me love it even more”. Likewise, if food is your thing, share a compliment such as, “I really love how much thought you put into organising our dates. You’re so good at finding the best restaurants’. Compliments like this aren’t overdone or grand, but they reinforce a positive relationship built on trust and honesty.
While it’s always nice to tell someone they look good, if the only thing you ever compliment someone on is their physical traits, it may make the recipient feel like that’s all you value about them. Instead, compliment them on their effort and achievements, such as how good a parent or friend they are, how dedicated they are to charity and community work, or how you admire their talent for hosting.
Taking notice of a person’s body language is a great way of knowing when to give a compliment. If they’re sitting in a relaxed position, giving you plenty of eye contact and mirroring your body language, you’ll find it easier to deliver a compliment in a confident way. If a person’s body language feels more closed and dismissive, you may be more likely to receive a negative reaction. In cases like this, wait for a better time when the mood feels lighter.
Struggling for ideas of how to compliment someone you care about? Here are a few places to start:
If you’d like to feel more confident in complimenting others, you need to build it into your life as a habit. Here are some simple ways to do so:
Start with the simple rule: if you think of something kind, share it. If you love what someone is wearing, tell them. If you enjoyed spending time with a friend, send them a message afterwards to tell them. If you’ve noticed a friend or loved one has made extra effort in an area of their life such as exercising more, or committing to a community project, tell them how much you admire them and how they motivate you.
Some people find giving compliments easier than others. You can encourage those around you by paying someone a compliment and asking them if they agree. This allows them to add their own thoughts and feelings without having to initiate it. This fosters a culture of positivity and inspires those around you to concentrate on each other’s strong points.
Once you feel comfortable enough around someone to give them a compliment, you may see that it strengthens and deepens your relationship. This is because a compliment that shows you really understand a person improves trust and connection. When you make others feel good, they will feel more positive. These feelings will form the basis of your entire relationship.
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