mathilde-emilia : queen-mihai : queen-mihai : queen-mihai : queen-mihai : foxboytail : As a young adult, I used to think what messed me up as a kid was having completely unfiltered access to things I wasn’t ready for, like NSFW content, gore, heavy discourse, and the existence of predatory adults online. But now that I’m older, I see it differently. The problem wasn’t what I had access to. It was that I didn’t have access to a safe adult I could actually talk to; someone I could trust to help me without immediately cutting me off from everything and everyone. I remember getting messages from strangers on Skype. I didn’t even respond. But when my parents found out, they banned me from using it entirely. That meant losing most of my contact with friends outside of school. So what did I do? I went behind their backs. And once I was hiding, I couldn’t tell them when something actually dangerous was happening, like when I started being groomed. By the time things escalated, I was already alone with it. I think about an episode of Scared Straight where a girl was dragged through a prison because she’d been talking to adult men online. She wasn’t doing that because she was reckless or malicious; she was lonely. Her parents weren’t present, she was being bullied at school, and these men gave her attention, told her she was pretty, told her she mattered. She was already being harmed. And the adults in her life responded by terrorizing her. Humiliating her. Calling her a slut. Telling her she deserved it. Breaking her to pieces. What lesson does that actually teach? Not “this is dangerous, come to us.” It teaches: If you get hurt, we will hurt you more. Do you really think that makes her stop, or does it just make the predators look safer by comparison? They might as well have driven her straight into the jaws of those predators with torches and pitchforks. Because when every path back to safety is lined with punishment, kids don’t run away from danger. They run deeper into it. If you want kids to be safe, stop treating them like problems to control and start treating them like people worth protecting. Stop ripping away their autonomy the second they make a mistake or encounter something risky. Stop teaching them that honesty will cost them everything. Be the person they can come to without fear of losing their entire world. Because safety isn’t built through control, it’s built through trust. And if you aren’t safe for them to tell the truth to, then you aren’t keeping them safe at all. In a moment like this it makes me so glad that I’ve actually told the internet that I have kids. I had a pretty similar experience when I was a kid, but it differed in a few key areas. When I saw what I saw, I quietly accepted it and pretended nothing was wrong. I avoided certain chats and didn’t open things that were sent to me, even if the person said it was really cool. I allowed myself to miss things. To ignore the FOMO because it had already burned me, and quietly got mad at my parents for either not knowing, or not telling me, what was so easily available online. I developed a plan. If I ever had kids, it would go differently. Fast-forward a few decades and I’m stuck in Norway, sitting on a couch with my daughters, and we’re bored out of our minds. They’re asking me questions about the internet and it seems like they’re old enough to handle things because, well, they’re asking me “what is murder?” So, I ask where they heard it, figure out the context, and realize they’ve seen something on the news and they already kind of know that it has something to do with someone’s life coming to an end. So I explained it to them. They were obviously horrified, but still asking questions. I was right, they were indeed ready to hear about it. And then they asked “why would someone do something like that on purpose?” That was my window. When the entry point is “murder”, stepping back to “someone might show you some pictures you don’t want to see” is a nice break from the abject horror of thinking of ending life. So that’s how I tackled it. “Well, murder isn’t the only bad thing people do. You know how we’re all bored right now? Now we’re talking. And talking helps us be less bored, right?” *nod,nod* “well some people don’t talk, or they don’t have anyone to talk to. So they go online and find people. Some people think it’s fun to show people stuff that will make them feel how you feel now about the murder stuff. Like, this isn’t a nice feeling, right?” *head shakes* “but I could tell you about this stuff because you *asked* about it. What these people do is they go and find people who are just looking for their friends or trying to find someone nice, and then they’ll tell them about something horrifying.” At this point the girls are looking disgusted, but I have to push through because we need to talk about groomers “And it’s not just murder they’ll show people. Murder is like the end of life. They’ll show people the *start* of life too.” Oldest daughter: oh like someone pregnant? “More like how they *get* pregnant. I know we’ve TOLD you how it happens, but we’ve very specifically never SHOWN you. And I don’t ever mean to. The first time you see that, it’s probably gonna be completely on your own, when you’re ready to go looking for it” Oldest daughter: “I’m NOT going looking for it” Middle daughter: *nodding in agreement* “And that’s perfectly fine. And it may take a bunch of years for you to change your mind. Or you may *never* change your mind. Honestly it doesn’t matter that much for this part of the conversation. What matters is, if you’re talking to this person, They Will Show You. ” *eyes go big with realization* “And they’ll do their best to make it seem like this cool thing everybody is doing that your parents don’t want you to know about. They’ll make it seem like you’re missing out or that you’re not really safe with your parents or your friends but that you are safe with them. Do you know how I know this?” *heads shaking* “Because they tried this with ME when I was barely any older than you are now. I was on the internet when the rules weren’t what they are now and it was easy to just find people who SAID they were my age. And they’d show me stuff. And like.. the brain, our brains, are a really good one-way valve. When stuff gets in, it’s pretty much impossible to get it out” Oldest daughter: “I don’t wanna go on the internet” Middle daughter: *nods in agreement* “And that’s OK. And you may change your mind at some point. But if you do, the point I’m trying to make here is make sure you know for sure that you’re talking to your friends. The people who want to trick you will try to sound like they might be one of your friends, but make sure you have some questions only your friends would know. Some inside jokes and stuff. Do you and your friends have inside jokes? Stuff that makes you laugh that other people don’t know about?” Oldest daughter tells me about an inside joke between herself and her friends and it’s a perfect conversation segue away from the horrific stuff we just talked about. When I gave them access to the internet we repeated that conversation. They had some limited, supervised access. And as time went on, that access was widened. As of now they have mostly unsupervised access to the internet with only moderate restrictions, mostly to the main places where people are LIKELY to show them something horrifying. I’ve been giving them MORE access as time has gone on, and the result of me telling them this stuff when they asked about it is: THEY MODERATE THEIR OWN TIME ONLINE They’re careful who they talk to They’re careful what links they open They tell me whenever weird shit comes up because they TRUST ME not to fucking blow up at them. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with parents that they can’t do what I did I swear this fucking society is DESIGNED to make people fucking stupid. It’s designed to make people assholes who would rather control their kids internet rather than teaching them they’re importance of learning how to control their OWN experience on the internet. If my kids are watching something and I walk into the room, I DON’T EVEN NEED TO ASK THEM TO SHOW IT TO ME They’ll gladly show me what they’re watching because they’re NOT GODDAMN ASHAMED OF IT. Parents. You have a goddamn job to do. Stop worrying about shielding your goddamn kids and TALK TO THEM!!! By the way @staff you sorry stupid motherfuckers, if you want to know why I’m raging against you so hard, look at this. I’ve successfully taught my kids how to avoid predators online. They protect THEMSELVES. You’re treating Trans people as if they’re the goddamn villains and I’m sitting here HELPING make kids safe online My daughters have gone on to spread the knowledge I gave them about staying safe online to their friends, and WHAT A CRAZY COINCIDENCE they haven’t had anything disgusting happen. They shield EACH OTHER. They talk to their parents. They talk to the school. Yes there are still parents in this area OBSESSED with fucking control. But they have a TRANSGENDER MOM to thank for the fact that their kids know how to protect themselves online and curate their own spaces. And you? You’re waging fucking WAR against us. I don’t ONLY hate what you’re doing because “poor transgender people” I fucking hate you for taking away a STRONG SOURCE OF CHILD SAFETY You are fighting the war for child safety ON THE SIDE OF THE PREDATORS. And so my answer is fuck you. I could be teaching people all over the world how to make their kids smarter online but you want my voice to be quiet because I wasn’t born into a body that fits my mind and that apparently renders my teachings void. Leave. Trans people. ALONE. Legit this is why it drives me crazy hearing people talk about “think of the children” Motherfucker why don’t you put those thoughts into action and Talk to your children We don’t need more fucking laws We need parents having goddamn conversations with their own kids Congress ain’t going to do SHIT to make your kids safer THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB, ASSHOLES 100% as a parent myself it is my responsibility to teach my kids how to safely navigate the internet and come to me when they encounter possible danger, when kids turn 18 they dont magically become a functioning adult, they need to be taught and be prepared! Yup! Something I’ve said to my kids over and over and over and over again: “This stuff takes YEARS to get used to” This is true for doing the dishes It’s true for keeping your room clean It’s true for remembering to brush your teeth and your hair every day It’s true for getting exercise when it’s so much easier to sit down and chill AND IT’S TRUE FOR CURATING YOUR ONLINE EXPERIENCE AND KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE. Those skills take YEARS to develop. And sitting at home with your transgender mom as a safety net is THE time to develop those skills. “Think of the children” starts at home. And if you plop them in front of a screen before they know how words work and expect that to somehow do the job for you, then you’re not preparing them for anything. Be an active parent. Talk to your kids.