The phrases “low hanging fruit,” “hit or miss” and “luck of the draw” come to mind as one not very funny moment after another counts down to the end of the 90-minute Celebrity Autobiography, the much-staged oddity finally making its Broadway debut tonight.

The premise, which I assume is more suited to the many small, intimate venues where the ever-transmuting show has been staged over the years, is simple enough: Gather a bunch of celebrities to read, word for word, the autobiographies of other celebrities, thus pricking the self-regard, narcissism and overall cluelessness of those stars who imagine themselves to be of such import as to offer up their views on every mundane detail of their lives.

Neil Sedaka’s digestive issues? They’re here. Cher’s opinion on M&Ms? Ryan Seacrest’s preference for pulp or no pulp in his orange juice? David Hasselhoff’s complaints about the rigors of stage performing? All here (at least on the night of the reviewed performance – the reading material, like the cast, changes frequently.)

This kind of thing has been done before, of course. The downtown icon Julie Halston has long included the very serious readings of New York Times wedding announcements in her stage shows, to great comic effect.

The comic effect of Celebrity Autobiography, at least at the reviewed performance the night before the show officially opened, was threadbare despite the best efforts of a cast that included Scott Adsit, Mario Cantone (teaming, at one point, with his frequent TCM cohost Ben Mankiewicz for what was an evening highlight), Jeff Hiller (doing a good Cher), Jackie Hoffman (an ok Oprah), Christopher Jackson, Andrea Martin (going for broke as usual), Nia Vardalos and Rita Wilson (a producer of the show, doing the second funniest Celine Dion currently on Broadway).

Co-creators Eugene Pack and Dayle Reyfel also took part, pretty much sinking the celebrity conceit with every one of their too frequent appearances on stage.

The autobiographies chosen for readings at the reviewed performance either fell into the easy-target category (Kris Jenner, Justin Bieber, Ryan Seacrest, Miley Cyrus, Hasselhoff and the atrocious poetry of Matthew McConaughey and Suzanne Somers), the stale (Liza Minnelli, Carol Channing, Ethel Merman) and the still? really? (Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fischer).

In fairness, this staging apparently was thrown together at the last minute, announcing itself as the first Broadway production of the 2026-2027 season just weeks ago. (Indeed, the arrival was so last minute that production photos to accompany this review were not yet available.)

Still, there doesn’t seem to be a lot to throw together. Celebrity Autobiography is bare-bones: Aside from six stand-up mics and a table of books, the set is bare, with only the performers and their good intentions on stage. Of course, the whiff of celebrity self-importance hangs in the air, most, but let’s be honest, not all of it from the stars who put pen to paper.

The evening had its moments, from Dolly Parton’s diet advice (“What’s more disgusting, spitting out your food or being a lard-ass?”), Hoffman nailing Oprah’s whisper to a shout delivery, Hiller’s Cher waving off compassion with “I have my own set of problems.” But mostly the show just feels too small – in scope, ambition and laughs – to fill a Broadway venue. Ticket prices are running from a modest $49 to a rather baffling $329.

Upcoming cast members will include Brooke Adams, Pamela Adlon, Jason Alexander, Anthony Anderson, Lewis Black, Christie Brinkley, Matthew Broderick, Danny Burstein, Bob Costas, Katie Couric, Tate Donovan, Chloe Fineman, Will Forte, Gina Gershon, Kathy Griffin, Ken Jeong, Gayle King, Leslie Rodriguez Kritzer, Stewart Lane, Susan Lucci, Ralph Macchio, Donna McKechnie, Eric McCormack, Bobby Moynihan, Laraine Newman, Oscar Nunez, Cheri Oteri, Tiler Peck, Billy Porter, Phil Rosenthal, Tony Shalhoub, Sherri Shepherd, Molly Shannon, Jennifer Tilly, Kenan Thompson, Bruce Vilanch and Alan Zweibel.

Here’s hoping they choose their celebrities wisely. Audiences might well do the same.

Title: Celebrity Autobiography
Venue: Broadway’s Shubert Theater
Created By: Eugene Pack, co-developed with Dayle Reyfel
Co-Directed By: Pack and Reyfel
Cast at Reviewed Performance: Scott Adsit, Mario Cantone, Jeff Hiller, Jackie Hoffman, Christopher Jackson, Ben Mankiewicz, Andrea Martin, Nia Vardalos, Rita Wilson, Eugene Pack, Dayle Reyfel.
Running Time: 1 hr 30 min (no intermission)