It all panned out pretty much as everyone had expected. Nigel Farage was insufferably pleased with himself. Keir Starmer looked hunted while insisting he was going to remain prime minister for ever. Longer possibly. Kemi Badenoch grinned wildly, saying the Tories were back in the game as they slumped to insignificance everywhere but the south-east. Ed Davey became supreme leader of the People’s Republic of Richmond upon Thames where the Lib Dems won all 54 seats. Zack Polanski chose not to make an appearance before lunchtime. And Huw Irranca-Davies, Labour’s erstwhile deputy first minister in Wales, conceded defeat before a vote had been counted. Business as usual.

Except it wasn’t. These were the local elections that appeared to signal the end of two-party politics. There were now five parties in the game in England. That’s before we had got to Plaid Cymru in Wales and the SNP in Scotland. And by the end of the night, Labour and the Conservatives were lying in ruins. Their only consolation being that their losses weren’t even worse. If their election campaigns had taught them anything, it was how to manage expectations.

Most of the early Labour voices on the rolling news channels had been the usual suspects, such as John McDonnell and Ian Lavery, as well as the Hartlepool MP, Jonathan Brash, who had extra skin in the game as his wife had just lost her seat as leader of Hartlepool council, and who called for Starmer to stand down. It wasn’t until shortly after 8am that Yvette Cooper popped up on the BBC to say something vaguely nice about Keir.

Yvette also appeared to be in shock, despite the results being slightly better than the worst forecasts. Even so, she could only equivocate when asked about a possible return of Andy Burnham to Westminster. “Er … Andy is a very talented politician,” she twice mumbled. Clearly no one had given her a steer on what the official party line was. No point in burning bridges just yet. There again, Burnham might also be having second thoughts as it wasn’t clear if any Labour seat was now safe. If the council results in their constituencies were replicated at a general election, Angela Rayner, Jonathan Reynolds and Lisa Nandy would all lose their seats.

For the Tories it was James Cleverly who was left to hold the fort early doors. Darling Jimmy Dimly. Reliably half-witted. He thought the Tories had had a mixed night. Mixed if you count becoming of relevance only in London and a few home counties. “We are the only party holding the government to account because we are holding the government to account,” he said. You can’t fault the logic, though you did wonder if what Jimmy D really needed was a long lie down. The results from Essex would soon be in and he, along with Kemi and Priti Patel, would all lose their seats to Reform in a national election.

The first party leader to emerge was Farage. Shortly before 9am he turned up in Havering where Reform had won its first London council. Nige was on full gloat. Perhaps he had yet to realise his party’s percentage of the vote had actually decreased from the year before. Or was assuming the rest of us were too stupid to notice.

“Reform has professionalised,” he said. Well, Farage certainly has. He’s trousered £5m as a gift and another £2m in outside earnings in the past two years. Though he gets very irritable if people ask him questions about it. After warning people not to expect too much from Reform councils – still early days etc – he ended by saying he hoped Starmer would stay on as prime minister. “He’s the biggest asset we have,” he laughed.

Not long after, Reform’s biggest asset showed up for an interview with Sky’s Beth Rigby. Starmer looked terrible. A man who had been up all night, waiting on a miracle that never came. Willing his TV screen to turn red. “It’s been a tough, tough night,” he said. That was an understatement. “But I will not be walking away to leave the country in chaos.”

Hmm. It might be a bit late for that. Though it’s not exactly clear what the country and the Labour party do want. No one seems to really want Keir to stay but they aren’t convinced there’s anyone better to replace him. “Voters have sent us a message that they want change,” Keir added. Though he didn’t give any clues as to what that change might be. After all, he had promised change in 2024 and many people feel they are still waiting.

Over on the BBC, the presenter Sophie Raworth was taking a break from the election coverage to engage in a bit of marriage counselling. On her panel she had Robert Jenrick and the Tories’ Victoria Atkins. The first time the pair had spoken since Honest Bob had been forced to do a runner to Reform. “I thought we were friends,” Vicky sobbed. “I supported your leadership campaign. But now you refuse to talk to me in the way you did before.”

Honest Bob gave her the cold shoulder. “She’s talking about trust,” Sophie interrupted. “What have you got to say for yourself.” Honest Bob had nothing to say other than “tough”. He had never really loved Vicky and was glad to see the back of her. And by the way he was keeping half the house and she could speak to his lawyers if she wanted shared custody of the kids.

That left the delusional Kemi to pop up mid-morning to declare that winning Westminster and Wandsworth was a sign the Tories were on a road to victory. She hadn’t realised she hadn’t won Wandsworth after all and that the Conservatives were sliding towards becoming a regional party for the well-off. Still at least no one was questioning her leadership. Largely because no one in their right mind would want to be Tory leader right now.

The counts were only just beginning though. Zack appeared briefly to celebrate the Greens winning the Hackney mayoralty, but had nothing much to say on why his party had done less well than it had hoped. Though the real focus remained on Labour, and Keir in particular. For now, Burnham, Rayner and Wes Streeting were all keeping their powder dry. A game of high-stakes chicken. Not being the one to make the first move. All asking themselves: “If not now, then when?” It’s going to be a long few days.