The prosecution: Penelope
It doesn’t matter that it only takes five seconds. It’s a flagrant disregard for property rights
My husband, Spencer, and I have two children, Georgia, 12, and Alex, nine. We are usually quite aligned on how we parent, but I recently learned that Spencer is a little more relaxed with our children’s garden activities.
During half-term, Spencer was at home and I was at work. When I got back and asked the kids how their day was, they told me their ball went over the fence and into the neighbour’s garden. I assumed our neighbours hadn’t been in and the ball was still there, but they said “Dad let us hop over the fence to get it.” I was shocked.
When I spoke to Spencer, he just shrugged and said it was fine. These neighbours are a middle-aged couple with no kids. He said getting the ball only took five seconds, and then Alex and Georgia hopped back over. I asked them how many times they’ve done this and they said “four or five”.
This is a flagrant disregard for boundaries and property rights. If we allow our kids to hop over fences into spaces that don’t belong to them, we are encouraging public and private disobedience. It also reflects badly on us if the neighbours happen to be in one day. So far, it’s been OK, as they’ve been at work.
I said to Alex and Georgia that they need to be more careful with their football and tennis balls. We have a large garden and there’s no need for their balls to be going over the fence. It is really Spencer’s fault, though. He should be the disciplinarian.
We have a good relationship with our neighbours, but we haven’t asked their permission to retrieve these balls so if they suddenly see my kids playing in their garden, they would have every right to have a go at us.
I’m annoyed at Spencer for encouraging this. I am the stricter parent, but I thought we had similar styles overall. He thinks it’s funny how annoyed I am over this, but it’s the thought that Alex and Georgia have done this many times without me knowing. Spencer needs to see that he is in the wrong and be stricter when I’m not by his side.
The defence: Spencer
No harm was done to their garden. It’s just a lawn with a few shrubs. I don’t see the problem
The way Penelope goes on, you’d think I was letting the kids roam around the garden naked and screaming. They hopped over our fence to get their ball – it’s happened a few times. It was either let them go and get it, or listen to them complaining because the neighbours weren’t there to pass it over.
I manage my own business from home, so during half-term I had to juggle work and looking after the kids, which I’m happy to do, but some peace and quiet is conducive to a good working day.
The first time Alex’s football went over the fence he asked if he could hop over. I said, “Be quick.” He was very quick and Georgia helped him hop back over. From then on, they just retrieved the ball whenever it flew over.
Alex told his mum they went over the fence a few times. No harm was done to the neighbour’s garden, it’s just a flat lawn with a few shrubs, so I don’t see the problem. I’ve seen him do it – it’s very quick and it is usually just Alex going into the garden. It’s not as if both of the kids are there “trespassing”, as Penelope calls it.
Perhaps I’m used to this sort of thing because I grew up with siblings on a busy road in London. Penelope grew up in the countryside with no neighbours either side of her. I think they take trespassing and boundaries a lot more seriously there. Penelope said, “What if Alex damaged the garden and we had to pay for something?”
She is worried about going to war with our neighbours, but she’s being a bit dramatic. There’s no way for Alex to damage anything. We also share responsibility for the fence.
Penelope is worried about how it makes us look if the neighbours come home and see our children in the garden, but I would explain and say they needed the ball. If I had to apologise, I would. Penelope says I’m not strict, but I know how to discipline the children without her. I just don’t think this is a situation that requires so much emotion.
The jury of Guardian readers
Spencer and the kids should really get permission – asking your neighbours if it’s OK if the kids hop over the fence to get the ball when they accidentally hit it over would only take a moment, and the answer is unlikely to be no. Asking is just good manners.
Tammy, 44
The worst thing that can happen is that the neighbours spot the kids and may give them and you a talking to. Everyone learns that way and hopefully it’ll improve communication in the long term, so carry on kids – just don’t smash any windows!
Charlie, 33
Penelope is right. Spencer shouldn’t be encouraging the children to jump over the fence into their neighbours’ garden without permission. They either need to ask their neighbours if they mind them jumping the fence, or perhaps just get some more balls.
Sarah, 29
I think people should respect their neighbours’ privacy and property, so Spencer is teaching his kids the wrong attitude. The family should apologise for any misdirected balls and maybe the couple will suggest hopping over next time, but it is up to them who they let into their garden.
Kelly, 52
Spencer is definitely guilty. It’s an important part of being a kid that you have to wait, bored, until the neighbour comes home and chucks the ball back over. Good luck with teenagers who have been taught other people’s boundaries don’t matter, Spencer.
Alicia, 53
Now you be the judge
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