Watch out if you’re heading to France this summer: dozens of towns have started fining men for walking around with their tops off. Actually, it’s not specific to men; I just assume they’re more likely to strip off. Narbonne, near the Mediterranean coast, has joined at least 30 other municipalities in banning anyone from wandering around town bare-chested, in swimwear or even barefoot, with a €150 (£130) fine for those flashing excess flesh (according to France Télévision, about 15 people were fined when Narbonne started enforcing its “please stay dressed” code last summer).
Could it happen in Britain? Quite apart from the police resourcing crisis, I’m struggling to imagine officers getting people to cover up in Glasgow, where stripping down at the first glimpse of the weakest rays of sunshine is a venerable civic tradition, and a public-spirited website tracks whether it’s “taps-aff” or “taps-oan” weather (a windless, clear, 17C is the threshold for taps-aff according to site creator Colin Waddell, if you’re wondering).
And actually, I wouldn’t want them to cover up, in Glasgow or elsewhere: I look forward to the annual arrival of herds of bare-chested chaps. Like one of those Japanese micro-seasons, they’ve come to signify a particular point in early summer, coinciding roughly with the sound of swifts screaming, overpriced strawberries, excitable girls in long dresses getting their picture taken for school proms and the few hours a year I erroneously believe drinking Pimm’s is a good idea.
Then there’s the rich variety of torsos on show. It would be oppressive if going topless were the preserve of the young and buff, but there are so many ages, sizes, textures and skin tones. In an age of homogenised aesthetics, when having a Love Island-style gym physique feels mandatory, just seeing bits (not the full Monty – we’re not German) of normal bodies around the place feels like a good corrective and a sanity check.
That’s why I embrace public semi-nudity – not literally, of course, and not when the exposed bits are sunburnt, as they frequently are (young men are less likely to use sunscreen than women). Actually, perhaps what the police should be doing is spraying any at-risk torso with factor 50?
Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist