‘Twas the night before the elections, when all through No 10, not a creature was stirring, not even a hen. Mainly because Downing Street had come to the conclusion that letting Keir Starmer loose on the campaign trail was a surefire way to lose votes.

Canvassers from all over the country had confirmed what the polls were saying. That the prime minister was kryptonite to Labour’s chances. Mention his name to voters and people would turn their heads away. Some even made the sign of the cross. It was out of sight, out of mind. The less everyone saw of Keir, the more they decided they liked him. The new dialectics. Keir functioned best as an abstract idea rather than as a living person.

So it was left to Pat McFadden, the secretary of state for work and pensions – who, along with Steve Reed, is one of the last true believers – to take on Wednesday morning’s media round. A trusted pair of hands.

Panic? What panic? What do you mean “why has the prime minister been so low profile with almost no campaign appearances”? Keir had been extremely busy running the country. He had been coordinating a national antisemitism response. Unlike Zack Polanski and the Greens. And he had been trying to deal with the fallout from the Iran war that the Tories and Reform had as good as started.

It was like this, said Pat. It would have been a dereliction of duty for Keir to have taken time out of his schedule. The Jewish community was under threat. We were on the verge of rationing. To waste time giving interviews and making stump speeches for the TV cameras that no one would remember by the end of the day would be to put party before country.

In fact, Keir saw it as a badge of honour for Labour to lose as many seats and councils as possible. Because that way, he would know he was doing a good job. All the other parties were preoccupied with their own narrow self-interest of winning across England, Wales and Scotland. That proved they weren’t fit to govern. Though weirdly, because they were all – bar the Tories – bound to do far better than Labour, they would end up in power. Pat couldn’t quite get his head around that one.

But know this. Whatever happened on Thursday, the prime minister would be going nowhere on Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. Starmer had unfinished business. He had been elected for a five-year term and he was determined to see it through. That was not what the country wanted. And it wasn’t what the Labour party wanted. Even if Labour were to do worse than expected – though Pat was keen not to set any expectations, however low, just in case the results came in lower – Keir would remain in Downing Street.

All talk of moves against him were just nonsense. Everyone was right behind Starmer. There was no one more loyal than Wes “How do you know he’s plotting against you? Because he’s breathing” Streeting. Wes had even phoned Keir to say he had no idea where all those rumours that he was planning a coup had come from. He really had no idea. As far as he was concerned, the more seats that Labour lost, the safer the prime minister’s position was. The only time Wes might have second thoughts was if Labour was to do better than expected. Then Keir might need to consider his position. But that wasn’t going to happen, was it?

It was much the same with Angela Rayner. She had already apologised to Keir for supporting the Tories’ humble address over the Peter Mandelson scandal. That had all been a terrible misunderstanding. Water under the bridge. And Ange and Keir had shared a good laugh about his threats to make life more difficult for her with HMRC and sow seeds of panic in the financial markets about a possible Rayner government. So they were best buddies again. He might even allow her back into the cabinet after a reshuffle. Though that might depend on her accepting his offer.

That just left Andy Burnham. Dear old Andy. Of course, he had been asking a few Manchester MPs if they fancied standing down from the Commons and becoming a life peer instead. But that was only because he was a very caring man. Just checking up on people’s future career plans. Making sure everyone was happy. And, no, Pat had no clue where this nonsense about Keir not blocking Andy’s return to the Commons in exchange for Andy biding his time in Westminster to give Keir a second chance at reviving the government’s fortunes had come from. Must have just been mischief-making from the Tory press.

“We have tested to destruction the idea of continually swiping left on our prime ministers,” said Pat. We had to learn to live within our means. The country had voted for Keir, so Keir should be given a fair crack of the whip. Given another chance to turn things round. Just because voters on the doorstep were saying Starmer was unpopular and had to go, it didn’t mean they actually meant it. That was just political shorthand for “Keir needs to do a bit better”.

But have we tested swiping left to destruction? Possibly with Theresa May. I mean, the Brexit wars weren’t the UK’s finest hour but it probably would have been better for the Tories to not have replaced her with Boris Johnson. But forcing the Tories to swipe left on both Boris and Liz Truss was clearly in the national interest. Boris was unable to recognise the truth even when it stared him in the face. Liz was simply out of her depth and would have bankrupted the country had she been allowed any longer than 49 days in office. Removing Boris and Liz was one of the few things the Tories got right in 14 years. Though it would have been more helpful if they had never elected them as party leaders in the first place.

Luckily, though, McFadden wasn’t tested on the logic of this argument. So we were back where we started. Whatever happened in the elections, Starmer was safe in his job. Unless he wasn’t. It was entirely in Keir’s hands whether he stayed on in No 10, just as long as the Labour party also wanted him to remain in office. The country wanted Keir to stay and go at the same time. It was as clear as mud. One thing Pat did know. Anyone who came for Keir would have to come for him first. We could all do with a Pat in our lives.