Now is not a good time to be a white Brit born in this country. Nigel Farage is clear about this. So much so that he wrote a 6,000 word Substack piece about it at the weekend. Or rather someone did. Possibly an intern who had been told to channel their inner Nige.

Or maybe, if Matt Goodwin was involved, ChatGPT helped out. “Write me an essay in the style of an even more deranged Rupert Lowe.” Don’t hold back. Go for it. The UK is unrecognisable. Foreigners everywhere. It’s time that black and disabled people started paying reparations to white people. For all the benefits they have taken off us.

No one has suffered more than Robert Jenrick. A man who has only ever wanted to do the right thing for his country. Apart from the times when he was actively doing bad things. Like making sure a Tory donor and pornographer was granted a previously denied planning permission with just hours to spare to avoid charges of £50m in the council’s community infrastructure levy. Nothing matters more than looking after your friends. Like painting over murals of cartoon characters in an asylum seeker reception centre for migrant children. It’s what they would have wanted.

Honest Bob. Always the victim. Take the Tory leadership election of 2024. He had been certain he would win. It had been obvious to him that he was by far the best candidate. But the vote had been rigged because Tory members had all been told to positively discriminate in favour of a black woman. It was now impossible for a white man to get on in the modern-day Conservative party.

Kemi Badenoch had been handed the job that should have been his. Enough was enough. Like Nige, he too thought the time had come to reassert white privilege. Just look at the world. Full of foreigners. Most of whom had come over to the UK. True Brits had been demoted to the bottom of the pile.

No more Mr Nice Guy for Honest Bob. He’d always been one to stand up for the little people. The oppressed. The people like him. For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones and worse. And for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe. And we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing. Now he was Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen combined. The voice of protest. The fight back started here. Time to see more white faces in the boardrooms of the top FTSE 100 companies.

Nige has been so downtrodden that he too is now on benefits. Albeit ones handed out to him as a £5m gift from a Thai crypto-billionaire. And that’s before we get to the £1.4m second – or is it third? – home that he already owns. He too was the victim in all this. If he had been black then he would have been given at least £10m. And no one would have batted an eyelid. Because that’s what every black person is getting a week on universal credit. The discrimination is never ending. Which is why Nige has gone to ground.

So it was left to Honest Bob to take the press conference on Monday morning. It was scheduled to start at 11am but there was still no sign of him by 10 past. He talks a lot about the honesty of alarm clock Britain. He appears to have his on snooze. Or maybe he was just sulking, having just discovered that Kemi Badenoch was trying to steal his thunder with a press conference of her own at the same time. The attendance at Reform HQ was … sparse, to say the least. Yet another example of Kemi using her black privilege against him. Not for much longer.

Eventually Jenrick was coaxed into the room and made his way to a lectern with “British Workers First” written across the front. That’s the type of nativism that warms his heart. First he had things to get off his chest. Foreigners. They were everywhere. Taking all our jobs. Costing us hundreds of billions of pounds. Using our roads, hospitals and schools. He didn’t have the exact figures, but didn’t want to interrupt his stream of unconsciousness. It was a FACT. Foreigners were forcing Brits on to benefits.

So here was the plan. Reform was going to scrap Rachel Reeves’s employers’ national insurance hike. But only for British workers. And by British, he meant British. Not those with indefinite leave to remain. Not EU workers with settled status. Even if they were married and had children who were born British, they would still be deported. It was far better for kids to have no parents than parents who weren’t British. They could go to the workhouse. Or be put up for adoption. Who cares? Because if your parents aren’t British, then neither are you. Not really.

And if employers did choose to retain an immigrant workforce, they would have to be a foreign worker levy. The less the staff earned, the higher the levy would be. That was the only way of getting employers and workers to see sense. For the last time. Foreigners should just go home. The sooner the better. He couldn’t say what the levy would be right now. Because that would be irresponsible. People expected more from Reform than figures. But rest assured it would be a lot.

By now almost everyone in the room was slightly bemused. Was Honest Bob a halfwit? Or was he worse than that? A quarterwit. Because it had been clear to the entire country that the reason Brits weren’t working in care homes wasn’t because the foreigners had pipped them to the job. It was because they didn’t want to do them. They would rather not look after old people and those with disabilities. There again, maybe they instinctively knew what was good for the country. Old people and the disabled have also had it easy for far too long.

There was just time for one question on the social media ban for under-16s that Keir Starmer had announced a few hours earlier. Honest Bob equivocated. He believed in free speech. What was really needed was a social media ban for foreigners. Then Brits could get back to being Brits.