Name: Fraysexuality.

Age: Twelve years, but only just picking up steam.

Appearance: Cold and distant and horny.

Is this about people who are sexually attracted to Fray Bentos pies? Because that’s a scurrilous rumour I will deny to my grave. Calm it, weirdo. Fraysexuality is something that is somehow even stranger.

I’m listening. So, remember sapiosexuality, which is being attracted to intelligence? This is basically the opposite.

Being attracted to stupidity? No, that’s called morosexuality, and you’ll get a highly entertaining afternoon from Googling that. Instead, fraysexuality is when you are only attracted to people you don’t really know.

Oh good, we’re legitimising casual promiscuity. No, that’s not quite it either. It’s finding attraction in the allure of a stranger, when they represent nothing but unrealised potential.

I know that feeling. And then it’s getting bored with them as soon as your relationship deepens.

Why is it apparently becoming more popular? I’m just spitballing here, but I wonder if dating apps have something to do with it.

Why’s that? Because when you look at a profile, the lack of information about a person means that you end up projecting your desires on to them. When you actually meet them, and discover that they’re obsessed with spoon-collecting or something, you’re bound to go off them.

True. Anyway, according to Psychology Today, fraysexuals often feel shame and confusion about their sexuality, and are “unduly pathologised as having an attachment disorder or an intimacy disorder in mental health settings”.

Because you don’t like having sex with the same person a lot? But that doesn’t mean you don’t still love the person you have become sexually uninterested in. Apparently feelings of love usually remain, even when you no longer want to have sex with them.

You realise you’re basically describing marriage. Well, yes, nothing kills the libido like a WhatsApp thread that solely consists of messages to buy dishwasher salt. But I cannot state clearly enough that fraysexuality is a real sexuality with its own flag and everything.

Ooh, I love flags! Describe it to me. It’s a blue stripe, then a cyan stripe, then a white stripe, then …

Ugh, I hate it now that I can picture it. Wait a minute, has it ever occurred to you that you might be a fraysexual?

Me? Yes. After all, look at us. We were so exciting when we first got together all those years ago, but now we find ourselves reduced to constant, passive-aggressive sniping.

Well, I don’t think that necessarily means I’m a fraysexual. Then what does it mean?

It just means you have a horrible personality. I should have seen that coming.