Hi Ugly,
My nine-year-old daughter has become aware that she has a moustache. (I’m a hairy Italian, this is her birthright.) It’s more noticeable than anything her friends have, and visible in pictures.
When she first mentioned it last year, my instinct was to deny its existence, but I realized I’d be lying. So I said, “That’s OK, I have it too. Lots of girls do.” She brought it up again recently, in a more pointed and negative way.
Do I tell her that we can do something about it if it bothers her? Is that spitting in the face of body positivity, or giving her agency? I could make her wait until she is a certain age – nine is so young, although I had my own arms waxed at 10 – but why impose an age limit on her comfort?
– Hairy Italian Mom
Contrary to popular belief, women are human beings. Homo sapiens. Fur-covered mammals! Two things separate us from our animal sistren on this front: the cultural imperative to annihilate the fur that covers our flesh, and access to waxing salons.
You can certainly deny your daughter the latter for now, but she probably can’t avoid the former forever.
While some of us inherit more facial hair than others – fellow Italian American here, with the hirsute upper lip to prove it! – nearly all of us inherit a social script that tells us female facial hair is a problem in need of fixing. One electrolysis studio refers to it as “an epidemic” – a diabolically convenient way for a hair removal company to say “universal trait”, no?
Systems of stratification have refined and reinforced this script over centuries. Sexism positioned moustaches as masculine. (In 1575, Spanish physician Juan Huarte claimed facial hair was a sign of “intelligent but disagreeable and argumentative, muscular, ugly” women.) Racism positioned them as inferior, even inhuman. Ableism associated the female moustache with circus freaks. Capitalism encouraged its obliteration via perpetual product use.
Gradually, these overlapping messages pathologized the norm and normalized deviation. Some surveys suggest more women today remove (76%) and worry (88%) about their facial hair than actually have visible facial hair. (While almost all women have a layer of light vellus hair, or peach fuzz, on their faces, about half develop darker hairs in the same area.)
Researchers from the University of York say “the work of hair removal” is now “a significant facet of the production of a socially acceptable femininity” – a project that, to some, feels more important than life itself. “When X-ray hair removal was banned because the radiation was so harmful, many women continued to seek it out because the stigma of facial hair seemed worse than the threat of cancer,” Rebecca Herzig, author of Plucked: A History of Hair Removal, told Bates College in 2015.
Your daughter may be young, but she is attuned to the world around her. She is picking up what society is putting down! I love that you told her lots of girls have moustaches, because it’s honest.
My advice is to continue being honest with her.
How did you feel post-depilation? Next time her upper lip comes up, tell her your story: “I got waxed when I was a little older than you, because a classmate made fun of my furry arms and it hurt my feelings. Later, I realized that everyone’s body hair is different and I didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, so I stopped.”
If she mentions not feeling beautiful, talk to her about beauty standards. Explain how advertisers use Photoshop, filters and feelgood phrases to sell hair removal products and create the illusion that all girls are (or should be) hairless. “I never saw any girls on TV or in magazines with a moustache like mine, so I thought I was alone for a long time, too. But it turns out, it’s normal – brands just want you to think it’s weird so you buy their stuff. They fool a lot of people, even adults!” As she gets older, you can expand on the sexism, racism and ableism angles.
Or, emphasize how badass it is – for lack of a kid-friendly term – to leave her face as is. “When the world tells girls what they should look like, I think it’s cool to break those rules and rebel.”
It’s fine to discuss hair removal options if she initiates the conversation. “An outright ban [on grooming] can sometimes unintentionally increase shame or hyperfixation, particularly if the child already feels self-conscious,” says psychiatrist Dr Tamir Aldad, CEO of Mindful Care. But again, tell the truth: It’s never as simple as choosing between “moustache” or “no moustache”.
Every method comes with caveats, and eliminating facial hair is often just as anxiety-inducing as having facial hair. When I tended to my middle school ‘stache with Jolen Creme Bleach, I ended up with a raging red rash instead. Dermaplaning can cause irritation, shaving can cause ingrown hairs, electrolysis and laser hair removal can be painful and expensive. Almost all demand lifelong maintenance.
“Framing hair removal as an optional grooming choice rather than a necessity is generally the most psychologically protective approach,” Aldad says. (He also recommends consulting your pediatrician to rule out any potential hormonal issues, which can surface during puberty.)
More from Jessica DeFino:
Here’s an Aldad-approved script to follow: “I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with the way you look, and you never have to remove hair if you don’t want to. But I also understand that sometimes people feel self-conscious about certain things.” If your daughter does want to move forward with hair removal, “calmly explain that waxing or bleaching are options, but that these can be uncomfortable, too”.
This isn’t exactly body positivity. It’s not quite agency, either. There’s no such thing as pure personal choice when it comes to female facial hair, as Herzig details in her book: is it really a choice if society bullies you into making it?
That said, if we did live in a world where women felt as free to be hairy as any given man … wouldn’t hair removal still be on the table? Don’t dudes shave their moustaches all the time, for reasons other than shame? Shouldn’t your daughter have the same option?
There are no easy answers to questions about bodies, only more questions. Encourage her to ask away.