For boomers, old age begins at 75, according to a new survey, while gen X considers the start date of decrepitude to be 70, and millennials are a little stricter, at 63. These are all reasonable positions, and then you get to gen Z, who know nothing about anything: they say it’s 53.
By coincidence, I’d been thinking about this anyway at the weekend, after dancing so exuberantly I ripped my own clothes. I didn’t think that was ideal: it did raise concerns about what I must have looked like in the moment. But I figured as long as I stopped doing it before I got old, it was probably fine – and thought (being gen X) that gave me about 17 years. It turns out that as far as the youngsters are concerned, I have just over three months.
I’m not even going to count the things that would be considered undignified at veteran age. (I will, though, pause to admire that euphemism for old that is always affixed professionally – the “veteran documentary maker”; the “veteran magistrate”. What war have we fought? Is it, in fact, life?) I’m also not even going to countenance dressing appropriately for old age.
But just for the sake of others who are worrying, you have to stop doing things that might result in injury; so yes, the dancing, but roller-skating is also probably a no (poor Kylie Minogue is already past it, and if my prehistoric memory serves me, this is her favourite thing). You can, across a very specific range of causes, still go on demonstrations – the precedents have been set, and some are full of old people – but one of those demos with anarchists and colourful smoke? Fine, they don’t come up that often, but I’d be sad to never do that again.
No climbing trees. No approaching a cart of XL bullies to see if they’re friendly. No leaping on to a train at the last possible minute, across a platform gap as wide as a ravine. These are all my favourite things. This bucket list is too long for three months. I’m going to have to take option two: continue these pursuits when no gen Z are present.
Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist