The prosecution: Jordan

I’m not trying to control her but having one shared calendar helps us plan our lives together

In the last year, I’ve made my girlfriend Charlene share her calendars with me. We’ve lived together for six years and it’s only recently that she’s given in. I thought it would be helpful to know what the other was doing – not because I’m controlling, but because it helps us plan our lives together – but she doesn’t like it.

Charlene says that “we need to have independent lives”, but I think that’s impossible when you live with someone. We can still be independent and give each other a heads-up if we are hosting or going away.

Charlene is always having people over to our house. She hosts knitting mornings once a week for her friends and she’s always having dinner parties and work events here too. I’ll come home and there’ll be three random girls she met on Instagram in my living room, discussing something heated.

Charlene is very social and I love that about her, but it would help to have some advance notice. If I’m tired and coming home late, the last thing I want to do is talk to strangers about knitting patterns or work politics. I meet my friends out and about, but Charlene loves being at home and having people round.

Charlene is quite stubborn. She has resisted making the calendar sharing easy, and has made three separate calendars. She has a colour-coded one for work, one for sports and one for socials, but they’re hard to read. I have one for everything, that I share with her.

Charlene says I should “communicate better, instead of fussing over the details of the calendar”, but we both have full-time jobs and busy lives. We don’t always remember to say everything in person. She’s also not the best texter.

She says the calendar is pointless, but today she told me she’s going to Scotland for a friend’s birthday on the same weekend I wanted her to come to my mum’s birthday, which I’d put in the calendar. She needs to stop being so half-arsed about the calendar thing, so that we’re both on the same page.

The defence: Charlene

The idea of sharing every activity and keeping tabs on each other makes me feel a bit sick

I think it’s good to have independent lives. Jordan knows that I have a busy social life. I run things past him in person, but the idea of sharing every activity that we’re doing every day makes me feel a bit sick. Overall, he’s relaxed and not controlling, but I hate the idea of being surveilled.

Jordan recently joked that we could do Find My iPhone to see where we are at any given point, but I would never do that. It’s creepy and I’d rather not be checking up on him.

I agreed to sharing calendars recently to appease Jordan, but he’s still not happy. He says my method is complicated because I have several different calendars. I’d rather just find out where he is by texting, or even have a written calendar in the kitchen.

Jordan always texts back if I want to know where he is in the evening, but he says I’m not the best texter when it’s the other way round. However, Jordan doesn’t tend to text asking me where I am.

I created the digital calendars to make his life easier but I prefer just communicating in the week about our plans. I use them more now, but sometimes I forget to add everything.

I reminded Jordan this week, in person, that we’re having a friend to stay in our spare room for four nights and he was fine with it. Putting it into the digital calendar wouldn’t have made any difference as we have to discuss it in person beforehand, anyway. For things like that, I’d always run it past him.

I disagree that I have random people off the internet in our house. I just have a lot of female friends. Jordan never hosts his male friends. I don’t think that men in their 30s socialise and have dinners at home like women do. Because they never meet at our home, I don’t know as many of his friends, which I find weird.

Jordan wants me to use the calendar more but I’ve already colour-coded mine and shared them with him. What more can I do?

The jury of Guardian readers

No wonder Jordan can’t keep up with Charlene’s three-calendar system. It would drive anyone nuts. However, I agree that sharing every activity would make Charlene feel “surveilled”, so they should keep it simple with her kitchen calendar suggestion, and just give each other notice of bigger things, like weekends away. Then the writing’s on the wall, so to speak.
Carla, 45

I get that Jordan needs to know when Charlene has people coming over, or if she’s going away, but total diary sharing is a bit intrusive. The kitchen calendar is a good idea for the big stuff – as for the rest, just chat over breakfast.
Jack, 37

As much as I sympathise with Jordan, I think he’ll just have to suck it up and accept that Charlene is pursuing the life she wants to lead, with friends and acquaintances constantly part of the picture. The real issue is that it seems Jordan wants a quieter life – a shared calendar won’t solve that.
Neil, 56

I’m with Jordan: it is good to know what your partner is up when you live together, so you can plan accordingly. They could use a wall calendar, but that would be less efficient because paper calendars can’t send you reminders.
Mayling, 28

I can think of nothing less romantic or spontaneous than a shared electronic diary. Surely a kitchen calendar is the way to go – you can get them with three columns for each day: Jordan, Charlene and Together. Sorted.
Carlinhos, 49

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: is it time Charlene became a calendar girl?

The poll closes on Wednesday 17 June at 9am BST

Last week’s results

We asked if Alice should get rid of her old dishcloths and sponges.
56% of you said yes – Alice is guilty
44% of you said no – Alice is innocent