IF I COULD offer you one piece of parenting advice, it would be this: ‘Never arrive home earlier than you were expected, unless you are fully prepared to deal with whatever you may find’.
I came home from work early one day last month, and it ruined my life a little bit.
My 16-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table, scrolling on her phone. She had started her Summer Break a little earlier than her sister, so she had been home alone all morning. A wave of something that I now know was terror flashed across her face, but I naively assumed she just hadn’t heard me come in.
I said good morning to her as I put my handbag down, and she responded with an ‘mmm’. I stopped and looked at her, ‘Are you alright?’
Again, I got ‘MMM-hmm’.
I was about to ask her what was wrong, but at that moment, the breath she had clearly been holding since I opened the door decided it absolutely could not wait a second longer, and she opened her mouth, releasing a cloud of strawberry-scented smoke large enough to conceal Gandalf himself.
At the same time, she somehow also managed to roll her eyes, no doubt in anticipation of my next move, which was, obviously, to lose my mind.
A purple haze
I had been dreading this moment since I first heard about vapes. Sweet-flavoured smoke that can cause irreparable damage to your body, sold in brightly coloured packages that are technically illegal for children but also seemingly available everywhere, guaranteed to horrify parents and endorsed by half the internet. They are, quite literally, the most teenage product ever invented.
I feel like we gloss over this every time we discuss vapes. We frame vaping as a parenting issue, or worse, a parenting failure. As if there is any amount of conversation, or consequence that will convince teens that actually all of their friends, classmates and influencers that they follow are wrong, and if offered a vape, they should simply say ‘no, I shall have a glass of water instead’.
I was once a very stupid teenager. I started smoking because all of my friends were. My mam used to hit me with the famous line that all parents used, ‘and if all of your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you jump too?’ and I can remember thinking that had to be the most ridiculous question of all time. Of course, I would jump. Are you joking? Why would I not? You’re telling me that all of my friends have already jumped, and you want me to stay here looking sensible?
I just wanted to do what everyone else was doing. Smoking wasn’t even pleasant. It tasted disgusting and turned my fingers yellow. I had to really commit to getting the addition going.
Vapes don’t have any of those issues. They are sweet, smell nice and are discreet. If they had existed when I was a teenager, there is absolutely no chance that I would have avoided them. If Paris Hilton had been photographed in 2001 holding a vape, you can guarantee I would have had one in my hand before our shoddy dial-up connection finished loading the page. They are a very successful and strategic product design.
Vapes are designed to appeal to teenagers. They were initially invented by a Chinese pharmacist who wanted to help smokers quit cigarettes. I somehow doubt he intended his invention to be sold in flavours such as Blue Raspberry, Sour Lemonade or Cotton Candy, because those sound more like a kids’ dessert menu than a smoking cessation tool.
So, although I was shocked to find my daughter with a vape, I have to say I did feel a sort of crushing inevitability. Of course, she was curious.
I took the vape from her and brought it out to the car. I didn’t know what to do with it, and I certainly didn’t want it in the house. There are children in my house.
And also a former smoker who should know better but sadly does not and likely never will.
I also took myself out of the house. I didn’t know what to say and needed a minute to gather my thoughts. The vape sat there on the passenger seat, all shiny and pink. And mysterious. I’m not proud of what happened next, but I will say that curiosity is a fundamental human trait.
Just one puff
I took one drag, for purely research purposes, and immediately realised that I had severely underestimated the problem. It was alarmingly pleasant. I expected battery acid. Instead, it tasted like fresh strawberry lemonade and poor decision-making. More than anything, though, it made me realise how irresistible these products have been designed to be.
When I went back inside, we began to talk it through properly. To my horror, I also learned the past history of the vape that had been in my mouth only minutes before as she listed off the numerous people who had owned it before her. Multiple names were thrown out, and I tried not to think about all the germs that this vape encountered during its journey across many pockets, hands and God knows what else.
As the conversation continued, several mysteries from the previous few months began to solve themselves. The overly sweet and chemical smell in her bedroom was not, in fact, due to enthusiastic and sporadic perfume spraying. And the teacher who ‘had it in for her’ and wouldn’t let her go out to the bathroom during class anymore might have had a point.
And some of the moodiness and tiredness she had been exhibiting might not have just been standard teen behaviour.
Mostly, though, I was just disappointed. Not in her, but for her. Her generation was making such good strides away from cigarettes, only to be handed something far more appealing. I was disappointed that all of the public health campaigns had done so well against cigarettes, only to watch them return in prettier packaging with an even stronger advertising campaign, tasting like sweets and fitting in pockets.
And mostly, I am disappointed that so much of the burden falls on parents, as if this is a simple matter of bad choices. It’s not; it’s a battle between teenage brains and very sophisticated marketing.
We are talking about products that are engineered to be addictive and taste good. Designed to look attractive and marketed as accessories, not to mention promoted by influencers who should absolutely know better.
It’s not at all surprising that teenagers want vapes. The surprising part is that we have created a product specifically designed to appeal to them and made it easily accessible.
Are we really going to be shocked if the vast majority of teens end up vaping?
Margaret Lynch is a mother of two and a parenting columnist with The Journal.