Calling from the cowshed so his wife would not hear; calling when the family has gone shopping; whispering the conversation, even when nobody is around to overhear; moving away from his elderly father when daring to mention he was abused in a boarding school — a truth that cannot be told until the father dies, lest it would kill him now; never speaking to parents or partners about why the two young brothers ran out of ‘a most prestigious school’ in Dublin and would never go back.
These are just some vignettes I have encountered since working with men abused as boys in day and boarding schools in Ireland.
Of course, girls were abused in schools too — many female children had their childhoods blighted by such abuses.
But for a moment, let's think about about boys abused in day and boarding schools, silenced not only by perpetrators and abuse dynamics, but also by social norms regarding boys. "Boys can defend themselves." "Boys cannot be raped."
Unfortunately, how wrong we were to see boys as different from girls when it came to being on the receiving end of adult manipulation and abuse. This misguided belief was to hold many a small boy’s spirit hostage to a life of silence and despair.
Imagine what it is like to be keeping a secret that is destroying your life bit by bit, but of which you are too afraid to speak. Being a senior executive in a corporation, or a political figure in a country, or a successful lawyer or medic does not provide immunity from the fear of speaking about childhood sexual abuse.
Child sexual abuse targets children equally and leaves its deadly footprint. Children are silenced irrespective of the social, economic, or other status of their parents.
Over the years, children abused in day and boarding schools in Ireland were forgotten. As is often the case, it took victims themselves to break the silence with the help of journalists who listened.
The incredibly gracious and courageous Louise O’Keefe, the men abused as children by the Jesuit Fr Joseph Marmion, the Ryan brothers abused in Willow Park and Blackrock College, and the advocacy group One Voice are some who come to mind.
Restore Together is another such group.
Restore Together comprises a group of individuals, some abused as boys in Spiritan (Holy Ghost) schools, and some former classmates and family members who joined them in solidarity to ‘do something’ for boys abused in Spiritan schools.
They soon learned girls had been abused too, the tentacles of abuse spreading far beyond the school boundary walls. The motto, ‘nobody left behind’ is the commitment.
The schools involved are Rockwell College, Tipperary; St Michael's College, Ballsbridge; Templeogue College; St Mary’s College, Rathmines; Blackrock College, and Willow Park. I accepted Restore Together’s invitation to chair the oversight committee of the independent truth-gathering pillar of their restorative programme, Hear Me Now, funded by a philanthropic foundation.
It offers a safe space for anyone abused in Spiritan schools or impacted by such abuse, including staff, former pupils or families, to have their experiences recorded as part of the historical record, publicly available in perpetuity.
This can be done by means of written submissions, in-person meetings or online conversation with members of the project team. Individuals can decide whether they wish to be named or be anonymous. Care and support are provided during the process. GDPR compliance is assured.
The importance of this truth-telling exercise cannot be overestimated, not alone for victim and survivor validation and healing but for deepening public consciousness.
We still have a long way to go to truly understand the lifelong impacts of child sexual abuse on boys and girls and the incredible efforts many victims make to try to overcome its after-effects.
Participation in Hear Me Now does not preclude engagement with the State Commission of Investigation into abuse in day and boarding schools. Both processes have different functions, methodologies and timeframes. Nor does it preclude the involvement of anybody who settled their case through civil litigation with the Spiritans. Non-disclosure or confidentiality agreements do not apply.
The Spiritans clarified: "No person abused in a Spiritan school or in any context is under any sanction in speaking to Hear Me Now or anyone else about the abuse they suffered, the process of the settlement or the quantum awarded."
Restore Together painstakingly agreed a five-pillar restorative programme in consultation with the Spiritans, recognising victims and survivors want choice in how they access justice, get accountability and find healing.
Some of the other pillars are also available for victims: free counselling and peer support; restorative justice encounters and healing circles. A restorative redress pillar is at an advanced stage, albeit with unacceptable delays from the victims’ and survivors’ perspectives. Memorialisation is coming along. Apology and accountability transverse every aspect of the restorative programme.
We know from the numbers presented in the scoping inquiry into abuse in schools run by the Spiritans (293 allegations involving 67 alleged abusers, and 37 additional allegations) there are many adults living in tortured silence with what was done to them as children. Here Me Now is here to listen.
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