Since the president chickened out and didn't hire a comedian to host the gala, late-night host led his own "alternate" dinner

Since President Trump is breaking with tradition and having a mentalist host the White House Correspondents’ Dinner instead of a comedian, Jimmy Kimmel hosted his own “alternate” gala on his show Thursday, when he delivered the kinds of jokes most presidents would laugh at if they weren’t “a delicate snowflake with the thinnest fat skin of any human being ever.”

Complimenting the black-tie attire of the “guests,” Kimmel quipped, “I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Epstein files.” Addressing Trump, he said, “If we bruise your ego, it will only make your hands look less disgusting,” and it cut to clip of the president patiently enduring the light roasting. He also joked about medical emergencies, asking if there was a doctor, wait, “a Jesus,” in the house, making Trump look more amused. “I get why you think you’re Jesus,” Kimmel said. “Every time he walks in a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.'”

The “monologue” also cut to quips of Vanilla Ice, Marco Rubio, Mike Tyson, Rob Schneider, Kanye West, Roseanne, and Dog, the Bounty Hunter, who also laughed at Kimmel’s jokes. Trump laughed more and more, too, especially at Kimmel’s Epstein jokes. Addressing Melania Trump, he said, “You have a glow like an expectant widow.” The producers even found footage of the First Lady (“the star of the world’s first motionless picture,” Kimmel said) almost smiling at some of Kimmel’s jokes. “Her documentary had a score of 10 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a website named after her husband’s testicles,” Kimmel joked.

One of Kimmel’s best jokes was for Stephen Miller: “Stephen Miller is so racist the reason he went bald was because his hair was black. … He’s like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us.” That last sentence got a “power” fist clip from “Mel Gibson.”

The real White House Correspondents’ Dinner won’t be an iota as fun as Kimmel’s when it takes place Saturday with Oz Pearlman hosting. Before his bit, Kimmel said Pearlman will give his account of how the event went on Monday when he’s a guest on the show.