“I remember a moment where I realized Maddy was so enmeshed in me, that when I pulled her out, I just started crying,” recalled the actress

While some might assume the Season Three finale of Euphoria would be the toughest for its talented roster of stars to film, Alexa Demie revealed that the show’s second installment was the “hardest season, by far.”

When speaking to i-D for a conversation with novelist Ottessa Moshfegh, Demie detailed her growth throughout Euphoria‘s blockbuster three-season run and her relationship with Hollywood. For the 35-year-old actress, who played the magnetic and calculating “It Girl” Maddy Perez, filming the final season “truly felt like the third act of my journey with the show and I felt held.”

In contrast, by the end of the previous season, her sentiment was: “Fuck everything. Fuck the show—everyone. I don’t want to do this.” The star explained, “After Season Two, that was the catalyst for me to pull away from Hollywood, away from acting and being in the limelight, and come back into myself.”

At the time, Demie “didn’t realize how method I actually am — or was. I created this character, but then I became her. Because I am naturally more shy, unless I’m performing, I used her as a mask.” She added, “I created her, and there are pieces of her that are me. There is a deep-rooted connection to her, but I’m not her. I’m not Maddy. I remember a moment where I realized Maddy was so enmeshed in me, that when I pulled her out, I just started crying.”

Demie acknowledged that her character has captivated audiences with her unapologetic confidence: “She can appear larger than life, and I think she brings a lot of something to people. I don’t know exactly what.” Still, when fans failed to separate her real-life self from Maddy, it became a point of exasperation.

“That was frustrating for me the first two seasons, because there were people who would say… ‘Oh, she’s not acting, that’s just who she is.’ That couldn’t have been further from the truth,” Demie said. “That was a bit frustrating, but I also can’t be upset because I never really showed people or let people in. Naturally, I’m just really private.”

When looking forward, Demie teased that she is “really excited for what’s next because I’m going to be creating from a new place, with everything that I’ve shed, and this innocence I’ve reconnected with, but also this power.” She emphasized, “A healthy power. It’s just going to feel so liberating and so pure to do.”

Euphoria‘s final episode, “In God We Trust,” aired this past Sunday. While fans remain divided over the show concluding with the death of a beloved character, creator Sam Levinson said, “It felt like an honest ending.” He added, “I also wanted to tell a story about grief and the emotional turmoil that it can create.”