This might be a controversial statement—and a shocking one coming from me, considering I’ve never actually done this—but sometimes, it’s actually a good idea to get back with your ex.

Yes, I said it. (And no, this is not your excuse to forgive your toxic, cheating ex who always downplayed your feelings.)

“Getting back with an ex is not inherently a red flag or doomed to fail,” says Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist. “It only becomes a problem when nothing has actually changed, and you’re just returning to the same burning building because it feels familiar, waiting for the inevitable fire to consume you again.”

Have you been in contact with your ex and wondering whether you should give it another go? You’re definitely not alone, but this situation requires a delicate approach. Here are 3 signs you should get back with your ex.

1. Enough Time Has Passed

Without giving yourself and your ex the time to heal or space to grow, you’re likely to repeat the same mistakes and run into the same issues. If enough time has passed that you both can come together with a clear mindset and no resentment, you might be safe to rekindle.

“Think of it like a broken bone: if it heals properly, and with the right treatment and time to heal, it can come back stronger than before,” says Romanoff. “But if you just slap a small bandage on top of it and call it a day, it’s going to break again and again at the exact same spot.”

2. You’ve Both Worked on Yourself

Years can pass, but if neither (or even one) of you has reflected or worked on yourselves, you likely shouldn’t get back together. However, if the opposite is true, and you’ve both held yourselves accountable for your faults and have actively worked on them, you might actually find success this time around.

“The first sign it might actually work is that both people have done real, independent work on themselves in the time apart to fix the very things that weren’t working in the past,” says Romanoff. “You’re not just getting back together because you missed each other, but both of you have actually grown in the time apart.” 

3. The Breakup Was Circumstantial

As I mentioned earlier, this article does not give you OK to hop back into a relationship with someone who disrespected, betrayed, or mistreated you. However, if your breakup was circumstantial (e.g., you were in different life stages or worked conflicting schedules), and those circumstances have since changed, getting back together might be a good option.

“For example, you both were struggling with a long-distance situation or bad timing due to life chaos, and the issues you had were not a fundamental incompatibility in values,” Romanoff explains. “If the breakup was because life got messy or got in the way, versus them being disrespectful, that sets a very different context about the success of rekindling the relationship.”