There are bedroom red flags everyone talks about: mismatched libidos, never initiating, the partner who starfishes and contributes nothing. Then there’s the one a sex expert says is happening constantly, and most people don’t even see it as a problem.

Sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, author of How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (in Bed), told Tyla that the biggest bedroom red flag she sees is one most couples overlook entirely. Not enough foreplay, she said, without hesitation.

The issue, Dr. Tara explains, is that a lot of people have built their entire approach to sex around penetration as the main event, which misses the point for most women. She’s also direct about where that misunderstanding comes from. “If you see a movie scene where they’re literally just kissing and then he lifts her skirt up and penetrates her, I’m not thinking sexy, I’m thinking, ‘Ouch,’” she said. “She’s probably dry as f*ck.”

A Sexologist Says Most Couples Are Making the Same Bedroom Mistake

Porn and unrealistic media depictions are the major contributors to what she calls an overly narrow view of sex. One of the biggest myths she hears from men is that women want “just pounding penetration.” She doesn’t spare anyone’s feelings on this one: “They don’t know how to move their hips; they just pound.”

The fix, in her view, is getting back to the physical and emotional build-up that makes sex worth having. “We need to be humanizing sex again,” she said. “Sex isn’t just an act. There’s a whole thing around it.”

Beyond foreplay, Dr. Tara flagged two other warning signs she sees in relationships. The first is a total absence of sexual communication. For her, the healthiest couples are the ones who can talk about sex openly, regardless of how often they’re having it.

The second might be the most relatable: reaching for the phone the second sex is over. “There are people who will have sex and then immediately pick up their phone and scroll on social media rather than talking or cuddling,” she said. “I think that kills sexual connection.”

Three things: more foreplay, less phone, and the ability to actually talk about what you want in bed. That’s it. That’s the whole prescription. The fact that any of this needs spelling out is a little depressing.