In dating, we often search for our “happily ever after”—but is that a realistic or even healthy goal? 

Marriage and long-term commitments aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, and we must anticipate the many challenges we’ll inevitably face. Even the healthiest relationships have rough patches.

Not to mention, the idea of a “happily ever after” ending can imply dissatisfaction or unfulfillment in the present moment. Until we reach said goal, which in this case is usually a long-term relationship/marriage, we must be miserable and yearning for more.

Here are the downsides of “happily ever after” thinking—and how this mindset might tarnish a healthy, authentic connection.

1. It Causes You to Pathologize Normal Relationships

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, says the “happily ever after” mentality often causes people to pathologize normal relationship experiences. 

“When couples hit their first real argument, their first moment of feeling disconnected from one another, or that first moment where they genuinely don’t like each other very much, this way of thinking biases them so they don’t see the bigger picture and recognize it as a normal part of real connection,” she explains. “They instead interpret it as evidence that they picked the wrong person or that the relationship is doomed to fail.”

Real relationships are imperfect. While you don’t want to settle for a toxic dynamic that involves constant fighting, it’s unrealistic and even harmful to expect perfection from your romantic connection. Relationships involve two (or more) humans coming together with their own values, needs, traumas, and baggage, and finding a way to make it work for both parties.

2. It Takes You Out of the Present Moment

The goal of “happily ever after” creates a clear-cut destination that does not allow room for nuance.

“It creates this black and white ‘finish line’ mentality, instead of really being present in the journey,” says Dr. Romanoff. “People invest all their energy into finding the ‘perfect fairytale princess or prince charming’ and unconsciously downshift once they’re in it, as if the fairytale ending is guaranteed. But healthy relationships aren’t found in some elusive destination where ‘they both lived happily ever after.’ They’re something you actively build every single day, even through the hard moments.”

Not to mention, this mentality can actually prevent you from getting what you truly desire and need, keeping you stuck searching for what you think is right for you. It’s best to be present with yourself and your partner, trusting your shared feelings and compatibility above some arbitrary goal.

3. It Creates Unrealistic Expectations

As mentioned earlier, the idea of a “happily ever after” romance is downright unattainable. Of course, you can dream of meeting your person and living a fulfilling, loving life together. But that life will not come without trials and tribulations, both in your relationship and in your personal lives. 

“[This mindset] makes people intolerant of the very things that make relationships real, and actually what makes people feel closer to their partners,” says Romanoff. “Arguments and differences are actually where we learn the most about each other, where we can be real and make an intentional choice of remaining together even when it’s not easy. It’s in our relational struggles that we build something stronger through repair.”

“Ultimately, that ‘happily ever after’ story is just a feeling people are chasing, relating to a sense of security and happiness,” she continues. “The couples who stay together aren’t necessarily the people who don’t ever argue. They’re the people who decide, time and time again, that the relationship is worth more than the momentary struggle.”