If you’ve ever gone through a breakup, you likely know how…unhinged heartbreak can make you. For example, I’m ashamed to admit that I once looked up my ex on Spotify just to see what he was listening to, as it’s the only way I felt close to him post-split. And don’t get me started on the Instagram stories I’d post, just hoping he would see how much I was “thriving” without him.

My 20s offered quite the learning experience.

Thankfully, according to a recent survey by the Hint App, most adults (yes, adults) still imagine an ex watching their life post-breakup. In fact, 74% have imagined what an ex would think about a major life decision, while 68% have pictured a former partner’s reaction to a personal achievement.

What’s more, 59% have shared something online, hoping their ex might eventually see it, while 52% say they have achieved something partly to impress their ex.

Obviously, letting our exes dictate our lives and drive our ambition isn’t necessarily the healthiest decision. But hey, it’s better than what other people do post-breakup, like harassing their former partner or begging for another chance, right?

The Imagined Audience

In my unprofessional opinion, after spending months or years with a partner and factoring them into your decisions and daily life, breaking up can trigger withdrawal symptoms. Our partners become our best friends, biggest confidants, and main supporters (hopefully, at least). It’s only natural that you’ll want to continue sharing special moments with them. For a while, it was a habit—one that isn’t easy to break.

Perhaps that’s why 48% say the first person they picture sharing a major achievement with is an ex (rather than someone currently in their life). Our imaginations are often what keep us tied to past lovers, even when we’re not in contact with them anymore. According to the Hint App survey, we create an “imagined audience” of our exes (or exes), acting as though we live and breathe on their attention and validation. 

“In many cases, people are not trying to return to the relationship,” says Kirill Liakh, Managing Director of Hint App. “They are trying to be seen differently by someone who once had emotional authority over them.”

Social media certainly doesn’t help the situation. Having constant access to our ex-partners fuels temptation and fosters a sense of connection that might not even exist anymore. According to the survey, 61% of respondents believe social media makes it harder to feel completely disconnected from former partners.

“People tend to imagine moving on as a clean emotional exit, but memory rarely works that neatly,” says Liakh. “An ex can disappear from someone’s daily life and still remain part of how they measure change.” 

This is especially true on sites like Instagram and Snapchat, which make it easy to keep tabs on exes or post content for their sake. Be honest: How many times have you shared a night out, a flattering selfie, or an exciting achievement, hoping an ex would notice? It might not have been the sole reason you posted, but hey, it might be a bonus. 

Many of us won’t admit to doing so, or perhaps we’re simply unaware of our own intentions. I’m sure some people are “too evolved” to engage in such behavior; in that case, I’d like your therapist’s number.

Nevertheless, it’s human nature to crave attention from someone who once was a main character in our world. Just don’t get so caught up that you’re living your life for their approval.